Blast From the Past

Saturday, December 30, 2006

The Calm Before The Storm

Well, we expected it to be a busy busy night last night. It was not. Far from. The wind and rain probably helped that. Also, perhaps the over inflated prices for New Years Eve have caused people to save their money for then!

Was so quiet (yes, I said the q word!) that we all ended up going out and about in cars instead, even then, bugger all happened.

Did anyone else find last night quiet too??

Friday, December 29, 2006

My My

What a busy time it has been hence lack of updates! Shall update this weekend though!

Monday, December 25, 2006

Christmas (or is that Winterval?)

Christmas Day. First call comes in. Can we attend a burglary at Pine Tree Road. On arrival we are met by a distressed mother and 2 kids. They have had all their Christmas presents stolen as well as their new tv and other such items.

The mother had told us that she had been working all year long to pay for these presents for her kids. Through no fault of their own, someone had decided that these presents under the tree were intended for them, most probably to fund their crack habit.

Move onto the next job, a domestic. Yes its early for one. Turned out that wifey wasnt impressed that her husband hadnt got her what she wanted. Worse off, she found what she wanted hidden in a cupboard, labelled for Claire. Wifeys name was Erica. Oh dear. Not a nice christmas for wifey.

Next call was an RTC. A couple had been driving on their way to see their children and grandchildren, but a drink driver (yes its early but obviously it wasnt for some!) had gone into them trapping one occupant. Ambulance and Fire had arrived. The female was walking wounded but the male had to be cut out of the car and taken to hospital. The drink driver was arrested and taken to custody. Custody was looking no different today than any other day of the week. It was just very quiet with the odd bit of noise from one of the few we had in residence. The driver was breathalised and stuck in a cell.

We resumed.

Driving through Scroatsville was very quiet. Could smell all those delicious meals being cooked, the only thing I would be eating is that sandwich I made earlier. All those people seeing loved ones, unwrapping presents and having a good time (on the whole). No doubt there will be loads of alcohol fueled domestics in the evening.

Fortunatly for me, this post is fictional. But I have lots of respect for those officers who are on duty today and will be dealing with such incidents.

A Happy Christmas (NOT Winterval) to everyone!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Arrogant Little Shit

One of my delightful customers (who was 44 years old) called me that - he is right though.

Got called to a pub where three blokes were being a pain and wouldnt leave. So in I go with a couple of collegues and find out whats happened, and confirm with the land lady that she wants these three removed. Two are fine about it apart from Mr (I am) Big. He wanted a full explanation why he was being asked to leave and wanted to finish his drink.

Paul (my collegue) "ok then, hurry up though"
Mr Big "yeah I am I am"

at this point his two mates who are alright, were trying to get him to hurry up. He then takes a dislike to me (apparently I gave him a "wrong look" whatever that is)

Mr Big "I dont like you, how old are you"
Me "I dont care if you dont like me, I just want you to drink that and get out"
Mr Big *wobbling on his feet a bit* "nah, I dont f***ing like you.

He then went off on one over and over again.

Once outside he continued with the "abuse" and threats. If I didnt have that headache and need for a coffee then I would have just locked him up for DnD.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Tango Whisky Alpha Tango

This happened a while ago. Reports from a resident that soe youths were launching fireworks at his car and causing damage to it.

We attend the address where we are met by a male who is on the phone. I shit you not, what he said was for real and in no way made up!

As we approach him he says down the phone "Stand by control"

He then tells us he is on the phone to the police and then says down the phone "yes control, 418 is on scene, over" and promptly hangs up.

He then tells us what has happened. We look at the car, under the car and see no damage whatsoever. This is done whilst he is inside the house. He then comes out armed with two clear sealed bags.

"You will need these"

He then hands a videotape of the "offence being committed" (turns out its not at all, but of some people he thinks did it)

In the other bag is a firework.

"I used gloves to handle it so that no evidence will be lost"

Advice Given - No Offences

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

What The Public Want

Today I visited a large town/small city and spent the majority of the day in the town centre itself.

Police Officers seen: Zero
PSCO's Seen: 5

Is this what the public really want??

Monday, December 18, 2006

Apologies (again!)

I have been having problems signing into blogger hence the lack of posts!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Restorative Justice

What a pile of fluffy liberal crap.

For those who are unsure of what restorative justice is,

"where victims have an opportunity to express the full impact of the crime upon their lives, to receive answers to any lingering questions about the incident, and to participate in holding the offender accountable for his or her actions. Offenders can tell their story of why the crime occurred and how it has affected their lives."

I see some problems with this.

1) The little shit that smashed my car window for example, if I were to have a "session" with him and listen to why they did it, it would more than likely look like this:

  • I was bored
  • It was a dare
  • I wanted the cd player
  • I wanted the couple of quid you might have in your ash tray
  • I accidently threw the brick through your window, it was meant for the old lady walking past
To be honest, I would be far to tempted to knock the little shit into next week than listen to the rubbish which is going to come out of his gob.

2) What sorts of crimes is this appropriate for? Theft? Common Assault? ABH? GBH? Murder? Who decides?

3) Who would organise it?
  • Not enough police officers to organise it although im sure they can take more frontline officers and stick them in offices for it
  • Social Services? Might take a very long time for them to sort something, if there is somebody on call and you dont get the answerphone. If not, your screwed
  • A new body which can be given millions of pounds to become yet another government faliure
4) Would people actually be interested in meeting their offender and "forgiving them" and all that fluffy stuff??

Ladies and gentlemen, your thoughts please

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


Apologies about the lack of updates . . . . I have lost the will to post anymore, im not sure why.

Hopefully some more posts coming soon.

Sorry all.

Saturday, December 09, 2006


Observe the number of people who causually drive around the fighting and just ignore it. Can you blame them though?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


Traffic Police Community Support Officers?

Oh deary me. This was brought to my attention on good old (usually get my info here before most other places!)

It seems that the "C" from pCso is being removed! Where is the community in traffic?

I am sure when PCSO's were introduced they had a clear set role and that they would not have powers given to them thus creating a two tiered police service.

Personally, I think this is a bloody stupid idea. I have offered asked and begged on numerous occasions for a traffic attachment (and a dog one for that) and have been denied for "health and safety reasons", so how come PCSO's are being able to? (yes thats a bit of jelousy!)

Also, what about the following points:

What happens if a car fails to stop (hang on - why would they be stopping a car, and how??)
Do they pursue?
Can they only pursue for 30 mins?
If there is a decamp do they arrest?
Using what to handcuff?

All these issues.

As one poster has stated on, "No, no, no. This is mission creep at it's most sinister." Obviously I shall let you decide!

Something You Dont See Every Day

Went into one of the community teams offices the other day. Being the nosey person I am, I read the stuff on the walls whilst the kettle boils.

What do I see, on the wall?

A Card. A Thank-you card - from a prolific offender who was on drugs. I hadnt heard his name for a good few months now. It said something along the lines of:

"Dear PC Williams and PC Smiggins, thank you very much for your help and support you have given me and making me turn my life around. I am so greatful and have realised that I do not want to go down that path. I have now been clean for 3 months now and have found a job too."

Its good to hear things like this - the police can do positive things after all! Just a shame that no government statistic will cover this.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Happy Birthday

100 Posts. Hoorah!

Good chance to say thanks to all those who read my blog and those who comment.
As always, feel free to email me with suggestions/ideas for the blog.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Bye Bye Semper Fi (Again)

Looks like PSD have finally caught up with Semper Fi!

What a shame it is, just as he had started going again.

The Weekend Rottweiler

Friday & Saturday nights are full of lovely wonderful people. However, this week I shall focus upon the "Rottweiler".

They are female, and usually quite small and young. They look the sort who are quite quiet and tame. This ofcourse changes in the blink of an eye.

Walking along were two girls and they bumped into another girl. One of these girls decided that this was blatently out of order, and began to (attempt) to beat the shit out of the other girl. Luckily there was an officer there talking to someone who seperated them. On arrival (from down the road - was bloody hectic but thats another story!) all we could see was a girl having to be held back (like a dog on a lead) and she was shouting and swearing so much that Gordan Ramsey would be proud! She was lunging forward trying to get this girl and "kick er ed in".

Her and her sister walked off after some "gentle pursuasion" and the other girl was held back (well, she stayed really) to chat to an officer. She dissapears to get a taxi and the officer walks up the street, myself and my collegue hop back on the van hoping that we will wake up shortly as the past 45 minutes have been so sureal!

Oh but guess what, the Rottweiler has kicked off again as they had gone to the same cab rank (after we tried so hard not to let them!)

We get there to find an officer inside the cab office with the Rottweiler lashing out and getting quite violent really for such a small person. Ofcourse there were loads of spectators watching all this. Next thing, she decides to lash out at an officer inside the office and ends up being floored. Now, for a small person, she went down with a huge bang!! Officers outside the office who were not even looking heard her go down!
Next thing she has is a big bloke ontop of her back handcuffing her.
Did she burst into tears realising the error of her ways and realising that her ribs have been totally smashed (they hadnt suprisingly!) did she hell! Even more swearing and shouting! Ah well.

Stick her in the van until another van comes to take her to custody. The van arrives (which already has 3 prisoners on - talk about busy!)

If only we can film people and give them the tape in the morning.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Shots Fired

Have a read of this story

Imagine if this system were implemented in the UK. It would come up that shots have been fired. In the US they would send someone straight away. In the UK, we use an "alternative approach" which could possibly be:

1) Shots Fired
2) Control Room made aware
3) Control Room Inspector informed
4) Relevant Commanders made aware
5) Meeting to discuss what to discuss in the meeting
6) Meeting held
7) Debate as to whether to send in local bobby's or armed bobby's
8) Decided to send armed bobby's
9) But should they be covert or overtly armed
10) Decided.
11) ARV dispatched
12) Arrive
13) ASNT - nobody there. Call came in 2 hours ago.

Perhaps if it detected domestics it would be better, with domestics being a priority and all.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Friday, December 01, 2006

Sneaky Beaky

Was doing a plain clothes op the other night targetting auto crime hotspots. Was very "q" until . . .

"All units, observations for a green car seen following cars and acting suspiciously in the Crapside area"

Traffic units start making in hope for a result.

We think for a few seconds that we might get a result as we are in the area

But then

Myself and my collegue call up:

"Yeah control, its us on Op Random-non-related-name"

We did tell them they may get calls about us and to advise callers!

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Life Saving Device

So police officers in Dorset have been given defibrillators to save lives. A great idea, think of all those lives that can be saved.

Will be even more usefull in the future when we will all be given Tasers and start to "zap" random people for the hell of it. Liberty will be pleased, as tasers only kill people - apparently. At least we can now bring them back to life.

Speed Bumps

This week, the local council decided to stick a load of speed bumps on the roads in my area. What an absolute pain. The first I realised of these bumps was when some muppet in a BMW X5 came racing around the corner over a bump scaring the life out of me.

Hang on, are they not supposed to slow people down rather than turn it into a race with Colin McRae

What is even more annoying is that its not even the type of seed bump in this picture which you can just drive straight over (with wheels each side of the bump - unless you are Johnny Scroate with his lowered Saxo), they are the ones which go right across the road. Each time I go over these bumps (bless the lowness of my standard car) it rubs the bottom of the car occasionally!

Looks like Scroatsville Borough Council will be getting a nice bill!

It will make life more interesting for pursuits though - all these bumps that Johnny Scroate in his nicked car can go bombing over (as he obviously doesnt care what damage he causes) whereas I dont think the force garage will be too happy having to replace shocks etc on cars so frequently!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


SPD being Scroatsville Police Department, (force, or service - whichever is this months buzzword!)

Talking to a friend who has recently been to New York, they were witness to an "incident". The type of thing where some sado would whip out their phone and video the "incident" due to "police brutality" which we all know "just happens, like, all the time, like, innit"

Anyway, there were some youths.

Scroatsville: Spotty, clad in burberry and hoodies. Bottle of White Lightning
New York:Spotty, probably the same sort of clothes. Bottle of coca cola.

Some officers went to talk to them:

Scroatsville: The youths run after shouting abuse
New York: The youths look scared

The officers question the youths as to why they are not in school

Scroatsville: (assuming they didnt run/were stopped from running) "Fu*k off pig, my mum doesnt give a shit what I do, im expelled anyway so leave me along fu*king pig"
New York: "Erm, erm, erm, erm"

The officers state that they are taking the youths to school.

Scroatsville: "I fu*king told ya, I dont do school, are you fu*king thick or summats" *walks off*
New York: "oh" *get in the car*

Hmmmm, slight difference - why is this I wonder??

Monday, November 27, 2006

Blog World

There are loads of links on my sidebar which you all probably read. I was thinking, wouldnt it be good to go out for a few shifts with some of my fellow bloggers in their areas!

PC Bloggs - Well, that would be great fun to see policing from a womans point of view. We could talk about handbags, diamonds, and shopping and perhaps do some police work! (please note, I do not know anything about handbags, diamonds or shopping!)

Semper Fi - His quick wit would be a great laugh and has a no sh*t outlook on life!

Inspector Gadget - Well, a boss who doesnt talk rubbish and likes to get stuck in? What more reasons are needed really??

Sergeant Says - Same reason as above to be honest. Oh, and because hes the sarge, we could pass the paperwork to others for their PDP!

Just a few, and to be honest I would happily spend a shift with anyone on my sidebar! (Just ran out of reasons to put so dont be offended!)

Who would you spend a shift or two with?

Sunday, November 26, 2006

8% Chav

Oh dear, I am 8% chav! Oh dear! How chav are you though??

For each "Yes" add 2.5%! (or there abouts!)

Have any friends or family members been pregnant under the age of 16?

Do you know the location of your local JD Sports store?

Do you own more trainers then normal shoes?

Have you ever bought / worn any of these labels? Hackett, Ben Sherman, Kappa, Nickelson?

Have you ever referred to your home as your 'Gaff' 'Drum' 'Yard' ?

Do you think David Beckham is a leading male style icon?

Have you ever bought Super Kings?

Do any of your friends or family own a Staffordshire Bull Terrier?

Have you ever had a fight with cab driver?

Have you ever worn hoop earrings?

Do you think Starbucks coffees are too expensive?

Have you ever thrown up in the street?

Have you ever vandalised a phone booth?

Have you ever referred to your friends as your 'crew' or your 'massive'

Do you know who Mike Skinner is?

Have you ever had a pay-as-you-go gas or electricity meter?

Have you ever lived above the fourth floor?

Do you use external Christmas decorations?

Did you think the Fast and Furious deserved an Oscar Nomination?

Have you ever visited a friend or family member in jail?

Do you know a drug dealer?

Are tinted windows cool?

Have you ever bought 'economy' brands at a supermarket?

Do you listen to Drum n Bass?

Have you ever purchased jewellery at Argos?

Have you ever been to Falaraki, Magaluf or Benidorm?

Have you ever had a full English Breakfast abroad?

Are any of your friends of family receiving benefits?

Have you ever tucked your trousers into your sock (except when riding a bike)?

Do you own a gold chain, sovereign ring or Burberry Cap?

Would you consider buying any of these cars? Vauxhal Corsa, Ford Fiesta, Impreza, Fiat Punto?

Do you ever wear a tracksuit when you have no intention of playing sport?

Have you ever been escorted from a shopping centre / pub?

Have you ever seen / been involved in a fight at a wedding?

Have you ever drank Lager before midday?

Would you consider a honeymoon in Tenerife?

Do you understand text abbreviations (ie, l8r - later, wiv - with, da - the, b4 - before)

Have you ever ordered ham, egg and chips at a restaurant?

Do you read Max Power, The Daily Star or the Sun?

Are fun fairs a regular part of your social calendar?

For those who are lazy and cant be bothered to add up, you can do the test here

Saturday, November 25, 2006


Oh dear, I have been "tagged". No, not a nice braclet around my ankle, but some sort of blog thing.

So, in the spirit of "why not"-ness, here are 10 things I would never do:

10. Go to "Magaluf"
9. Say "Yes Superintendant, that is a good idea!"
8. Think Politics is "cool"
7. Buy an Italian car (unless its a Ferrari or Lambo!)
6. Eat hospital food
5. Become obsessed with political correctness
4. Trust a Politician
3. Believe that a shift will end on time
2. Work with my specials sergeant
1. Vote Labour

Seems to be a common theme in mine!

Friday, November 24, 2006

Blue Light Takeaway Run

Oh dear oh dear, yet another speeding police officer.

How terrible this is that he got caught for being hungry. Obviously this information is quite clearly made up and the officer was genuinly on his way to the RTC! Quite clearly, he was on his way to pick up the food and got diverted, but then cancelled, and a disgruntled member of the public, more than likely who has just been given points for speeding himself, saw the officer about to tuck into a delicious meal and was jelous so reported him.

Perhaps PC Akrill could take these steps next time:

1) Preorder Chinese as usual
2) Choose a good route to go to the chinese, possibly in an area that other officers will not be near.
3) Call up stating that "a member of the public has just reported an accident. As you are a dedicated officer, refs can wait until you have dealt with it, and no other units are required"
4) Speed to the incident, which just happens to be near the Chinese.
5) Discover that the MoP was lying, but in your rush to get to the incident to save lives, you didnt take down their details
6) Call up stating a speed camera activation
7) Go to the Chinese to pick up food
8) Call up control stating that there was no accident
9) Take Chinese back to station and enjoy

Obviously, if Indian is your preference, then this is an adequate substitute.

[/Tongue In Cheek]

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Coke Problem

Apprently the UK has the "Worst Cocaine Problem in Europe"

Perhaps we should start to give cocaine out on the NHS too, or do people who want their next fix of cocaine not cause crime? Perhaps someone could enlighten me?

Recently we had a drugs awareness session. So here is a test for you all, which one of these is actually cocaine??


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Answers on a postcard?

Oh, and just for fun, one reason why dogs shouldnt be given drugs:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Incidently, my post here has caused a few mixed feelings and a nice debate! Have a look here and here, its ok - they dont bite! (I got a nice warm welcome and am starting to learn more about their role! Definitly worth a look:) )

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Return Of the Boy Bands

First it was Take That, then it was Semper Fi..........

Well, so has Special Copper!

One problem though - I have lost all the links on my side bar so please please leave a comment with your blog address so I can re-add you to my side bar!

Edit: Ok - the links have come back all of a sudden! Damn those pesky gremlins

Semper Fi Again!

Oh Yes! Guess who is back!

Semper Fi!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


Or "Door Staff" as they prefer to be called. Tough subject full of many different opinions.

Firstly, there is the subject of whether or not they should carry handcuffs. Info can be found here, here, here and here.

But do they take the law into their own hands?

I went to an incident once which was "male unconscious behind Club Boloxio"

Ah, probably had a bit too much to drink. Find the male, he is totally out of it, and covered in blood.
"Hmmmmm" I think to myself, this is not right.
The head "Door Man" comes out and tells me whats happened

"Ah, well, matey boy here was ejected by Phil, and just collapsed"

The manager is in the background keeping quiet. The door man then goes inside, and up comes the manager. I then ask where Phil is.

"Oh, hes inside, the paramedics are looking at him"

So whats happened then, really, whats happened then I ask.

"Well, Phil ejected this male and he went back to the front where he was let in again. He came in again, picked up a glass and smashed it round Phil's face"

Then what?

Well, it was pretty obvious. Phil's face is sliced open, two of his fellow bounder mates decide to eject this male via the back exit after kicking him in. They gave him a proper kicking even when the bloke was on the floor collapsed.

How do we know this?
What should over look the back but flats. Who should be looking out their windows, but several independent witnesses!

Oh dear oh dear.

Now, what if this person had been handcuffed and unable to defend themselves?

However, on the flip side I have been to one incident where someone was kicked out and was playing up, and a bouncer handcuffed him with speedcuffs. First time I had seen this happen but he "reassured us that he had taken a course to do this". Sent an e-mail to the licensing team about it anyway.

Also like to add that I know some doorstaff very well and they are very professional and make the "bad apples" not matter - and I am more than happy to deal with these ones in particular! A credit to their profession. Its not often that I come across door staff (as im not one of these sado's who just do friday/sat nights in town centre - yawn!) but came across one the other night who was superb! Even been out on a night out and he has been nice lol

So should door staff be issues with handcuffs? Almost as controversial as should PCSO's have them!

Monday, November 20, 2006

The Secret Parking Attendant

We all remember the Secret Policeman, and more recently, Nina Hobson on Dispatchers.

All the hype, the papers going mad at all this and the abuse the police recieved, for, well, bugger all in the Dispatchers thing.

Well, what about this?

Parking attendants being blatently racist to peoples faces as well as out of the public eye.
Calling certain areas racist names (which I wont say on here)
Talking about giving tickets to people they dont like etc.
Now where is all the media hype over this?


Ah well, at least they will get a diversity course

(put off my post about door staff until later now due to my huge outrage at this lack of diversity training that the parking attendants recieved)

Sensible Policing

Introducing a new blogger . . . .

Sunday, November 19, 2006


Further to my Human Traffic Light post, now, are these people idiots or what??

Road blocks aren't for dumb drivers

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Basket Case

Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone no doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up

(Basket Case - by Greenday)

So am I a Basket Case for doing this for free?

First off, I certainly didnt join to "give back to my community". If I was going to give back to the community I would be urinating in their garden and breaking into their cars, as this is what I have been given.

I have had poor assistance from the police before. Instead of moaning, I got convinved by a regular officer to join. Didnt have a clue what I was letting myself into.
So now, I am one extra person, one extra pair of hands in the grand place that is Scroatsville. May seem insignificant but for that person who rings us up to report gremlins in their house, at least thats one more body that might be able to deal with it.

Can you tell I ran out of ideas this week?

Interested to hear others reasons for joining

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Black Sheep

Am I allowed to say black sheep?? Im sure one of the PC Crew will correct me with this weeks appropriate phrase!

Before I joined the specials, I had no clue what it was all about. Infact, I had never even heard of a Special Constable!

Then once I commenced training, I got the usual comments from people who had little idea:

But you cant arrest people!
So is it like a citizens arrest?
Do you get a gun?
Dont the regulars look down on you?

The last point was the one which worried me, how wrong I was though.

I have only ever had one "bad" experience with a regular officer. Well, two actually.

The first was when I was crewed up with a regular officer and we were looking for some, (MoP's, believe it or not!) Burgulars! We had the copperchopper up above and we were on foot searching a field. Another regular comes up and begins barking orders at me. He then notices my collar number (showing I am a special - have to look twice as we dont have the SC & Crown etc). On seeing this he stopped talking, turned to my regular collegue, and said exactly what he had said to me, to her.
We were both shocked at this.

"Oh ignore him, he is just a dinosoar"

Never seen him since though, nor have I let it get me down!

The second one wasnt really anything major, and more aimed at me being "lazy" than anything!

I started duty at 09:00 and I was sat in the office after having just booked in a prisoner, enjoying a cup of tea waiting for another officer to bring me some store CCTV to book in. Obviously there was nothing I could do at this point other than enjoy my cuppa! Took 2 hours to book in the prisoner (shockingly poor!) which brought me to 1700 (oh the joy)

In walks the inspector:

Insp "What are you doing?"
ESP "Huh?" (I thought it was pretty obvious to be honest)
Insp "Why are you sat about doing nothing?"
ESP "I am waiting for another officer to bring CCTV to me from the town centre"
Insp "Well I dont want you sat about doing nothing"
ESP "What should I do then??
Insp "Not sit around" *she then walked off*

A regular then made the comment of "Your lucky mate, she's not your inspector, wish I had Inspector ***** too!" (Probably Inspector Gadget! My Inspector, not the one in question!!)

Perhaps she just wanted me to juggle some MG forms - Moscow Circus meets Scroatsville Police type stuff. Who Knows!

As I have said several months back, I have loads of support from regular officers, and always give my time to assist them back in any way I can.

Crime Laws Key To PM's Last Year

The PM is at it again!

Shame we have heard this same thing for the past 9 years

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Cheap Labour??

Recently having done a duty, I got a bit hungry on the way home so went into a local chippy. Armed with my £1.62, I wondered what I could get!

"How much for pitta bread and chips my good man?"

I then look up at the menu.
"How much for pitta bread and small chips?"
"yes sir, thats small chips"

Ah right. So I look up again to which it says


"How is it £1.80 if small chips is £1.20 and pitta bread is 30p??"

"Oh sir, thats if you want the chips in the pitta bread"

You what?? I am paying you an extra 30p to stick some chips in a bit of bread?
Thats extortionate! Perhaps I used the same place as Another Constable??

Takes the piss.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

For those locked up in one of Scroatsville's Cells, they get a bed, and more important, a meal cooked by our gormet chef.


Full English -
Rice Crispies or Corn Flakes With Milk
Continental - Rice Crispies or Corn Flakes Without Milk

*A sprinkle of sugar available for those with an exotic taste*


Cold Buffet: Rice Crispies or Corn Flakes with or without Milk
Hot Selection: A variety of coloured slops flavoured to represent cuisine from around the world

Saturday, November 11, 2006

How Inconsiderate!

The youths of today are so inconsiderate. Stolen car, 4 up, had been giving us the runaround all night. Seeing as myself and a collegue were the nights proactive unit (plain IRV with all the lights and gizmo's). Traffic were hovering around the area as were some tutor constables and their probationers, and another plain clothes unit (myself and my collegue being plain clothes too) as was a doggie man.

After numerous sightings the adrenaline is going as we prepare for a possible pursuit, and ofcourse, a decamp. How gutted we all were when the inconsiderate little gits decide that they dont want a pursuit, so they drive the car into a field, and set fire to it. Out everyone gets and does an area search for them.

Apparently (bless them) the probationers hadnt a clue what to do, and before they knew it, two "chavs" came running up from the field, and nearly got pounced on and sprayed!
"Its us, dont spray!!!" It was the other plain clothes unit! So they nearly got a faceful of pava, just like one of the little gits did.
Ofcourse, they had done nothing wrong and we had "sprayed them for doin fuk all innit ya fukin nob'eads" which was followed by "i aint dun nuffink rong - you best have nicked the ova's"
Oops - a slight admission of some sort of guilt there!

Sadly, it wasnt a huge incident, which in many respects is good, but since it was the end of the shift and nothing had really happened was kind of a let down from the cat and mouse game earlier in the night trying to find them!

Outcome: several arrests, one suspect sprayed, one plain clothes officer nearly pounced on, one doggie on the loose with officers staying well out of its way as it was hungry, and a couple of probationers who looked absolutely lost!

On the bright side, I enjoyed a lovely doner kebab and no paperwork

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Music To Police To

I have added to my sidebar a nice little thing, a bit like a radio, where you can listen to tunes! The ones selected (took absolutely ages as there was a minimum of 35 or something daft!) all have some relation to policing!

Any further suggestions let me know! Just press play and your away! Enjoy!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Being The Boss

What would you do if you were the Chief for the day? (There we go PC Bloggs, put a photo of a female Chief rather than a male one as they are more understanding of peoples needs than a male one due to all that testosterone!)

Anyway, what would I do? (Stole the idea for this blog from

I would be very tempted to change the uniform. There is nothing worse than having to run after some scroate with a shirt and tie on not to mention the other numerous kit.

Would also have stabvests which have a zip down the middle rather than having to put it over your head - it tends to ruin peoples hair - apparently.
One thing for sure would be have more cars available so officers dont have to hang around for ages waiting for the shift before to return with cars!

I cant speak for regular officers for a lot of stuff, so will do this from a specials point of view.

1) Offer a bounty to specials doing a certain amount of hours
2) Invest more in the training of specials - after all, once attested, they will (hopefully) work a hell of a lot of hours - for free!
3) Give specials more PSU training - this means that instead of having to piss off regular officers to come in on rest days to do it, can get specials who will drop everything to do it!
4) Training is ongoing. This includes doing paperwork and putting together files - even if they are basic files. This means that regular officers wont be pestered into completing specials paperwork whilst they bugger off home ontime

There are many other things I would want to do - sadly I cant think of any more!

Please do add your own!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Hug A Hoodie

Or at least show some love!

I was on my way to the gym today, so had my hoodie on, t shirt underneath and my tracksuit bottoms on. Needless to say, I looked a proper chav.
Thought whilst on my way, I will stop off to do a quick bit of shopping as I will be too lazy to later.

In I go. The bloke giving out baskets looked at me as if I was going to nut him one, and I had to help myself to a basket.

I go up an aisle which is a little busy, and ask an old lady if I could get past please. Her reaction? She flinched and ran a mile!

When I got to the checkout the person infront of me decided to hold onto her bag tightly whilst keeping her eyes on me.

So people, next time you flinch, or feel threatened, do think about David Cameron and his "hoodie hugging" and "hoodie loving"

Monday, November 06, 2006

Crystal Ball

Talk about planning ahead. Just got myself a regular's application form. Not sure whether to bother filling it now or not to be honest. It wouldnt be until at least 2008 that I started!

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Human Traffic Light

Had great fun doing traffic duty for a local fireworks display

So theres a right hand turning which is out of action (ie. CLOSED) and about 3 - 5 signs stating this. Also there are loads of cones, and even a nice little diagram of the road which shows the lane closed. However . . .

MoP: 'Scuse me mate, can I go down there?
Me: No, Can you read?
MoP: huh?
Me: Do you know what roadsigns mean?
MoP: huh?
Me: *points at numerous signs*
MoP: Oh, them, yeah, I thought I could get down there though
Me: Why?
MoP: 'Cos I need to get down there ya see.
Me: Really?
MoP: Yeah mate, so can I go down there?
Me: Erm, no
MoP: Why not? This is f**king ridiculous
Me: Because the road is closed, I have just told you that
MoP: But I need to get down there
Me: Oh right, ok, drive over there and ask him (another officer)

I am sure they ended up having the same chat with them.

Its not only the fact of people above which is a pain, its people who seem to drive blind. I dont think they can see a huge tennis ball coloured Michelin Man in the middle of the road giving them hand gestures to stop (not rude hand gestures!!) So I nearly ended up being a new layer of road surface several times.

The good side is that people were quite chatty on their way to the fireworks display which is a nice change from the usual abuse. Just a shame that there are a lot of Scroatsville residents who dont appear to be able to drive. Either that or they like to try and run coppers over.

Possibly the latter.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Little Gits

Well, I assume they are little anyway due to their amateurness. I have a shared drive with several other residents, and last night there were two cars parked outside, mine and a neighbours. These "amateurs" decided to break into a car out there. They attempted to smash the lock off (and half the door) with no luck so then tried to bend the door back, which was sucessful. They then decided that there was nothing of value in the car, but decided to try and take the airbag.


Luckily it was not my car (obviously not worthy of stealing nor was my cd collection!).

However, rest assured for my neighbour, Scroatsville Police will almost definitly (not) catch the offenders!

1) Scenes of Crime come out. Lift some prints. Probably the owners.
2) CCTV. There is none.
3) Witnesses. None. Even if there was it was pitch back and they would no doubt be wearing hoodies and speaking in an unknown language which is comprised of the words "innit" "sorted" and "yo mofo"
4) Statment Taken. This wont yield much in the way of hunting down the offenders as the formentioned reasons.
5) If enough of these happen then the local policing team may come up with an operation to catch offenders. If they are lucky then they might catch someone, might not be the same offender, infact, in Scroatsville, probably not.

Scroatsville Police are then slated for not being able to catch the offenders. Damn why can criminals not leave fingerprints and a nice trail of evidence.

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Just a quickie to mention that I have added PC Dogberry to my sidebar!

I have also added Hobby Bobby to my side bar. Can you guess its another special!?

Edit: Have also added another link too: Totally Un PC

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

The Parent Test

Further to my post here, I have thought out a test for women to undertake before they are permitted to have children.

1) What would you call your child?

2) Do you have a partner/in a long term relationship?

3) Do you work/does your partner work? Please note, some types of employment are not acceptable.

4) Which do you prefer, Argos or Tiffany?

5) You have won a free holiday, where will you take it?
a) New York
b) Magaluf

6) What is your idea of "education"
a) GCSE's, A-Levels and maybe even University
b) A shag behind the co-op and the Radio Times

7) You know the local bobby's name because . . .
a) You respect him as a community figure
b) He arrested you last week yet again

8) Drugs are . . .
a) Something to stop a headache after a long day at work
b) Not enough to satisfy me anymore

9) A good night out is . . .
a) Nice meal with my darling partner
b) Not complete without a fight

The rest I shall leave to you all

Monday, October 30, 2006


After a recent TV Show featuring PCSO's, several bloggers have commented on the show.

Disgruntled Cop

PC South West

I have already commented on the subject so will not repeat it, however, found this blog as a result!


Will have to keep an eye on this one - should be quite an interesting read!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Hoorah For the Met

One from the other night:

"Any unit available, we have had a call from an off duty Met officer. He has handcuffed himself to his partner and is unable to uncuff himself as he has lost his handcuff key, any officer available?"

Oh how we laughed. All I hope is that some officer took a camera to the job and this photo is now working its way around the met email system!

On another note, I have now added PC South West's blog to my side bar

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

For The Very First Time

Since Part Time Polis Man has told us about their first shift, I thought I would do the same (probably because I cant think of anything to write about today!)

Anyway, I got all my kit into a big bag and got went to the police station. I had very little clue as to where I was to go when I arrived there. My duty had already been arranged with my "section officer"

I already had my airwave terminal with me as I was issued it at training a few weeks before, so had been listening to it at home picking up all the jargon and generally being a bit of a geek really!
All I needed to be issued with was my pava. I was taken to the store locker for the pava where I took out a cannister, weighed it, and signed it out to myself writing down the cannister number and weight into my pocket note book, which I also just got.
Once I had all this done, I stuck my stabbie on and all my other kit, got my tit hat out, and felt an absolute fool. It felt very very strange.

Anyway, off we go and head into the town centre on this busy Saturday afternoon. In all honesty, I was sh*tting myself!

What if people asked me things? I dont have a clue. So many thoughts going through my head!

We didnt go to any jobs, just plodded around town getting me to do a few PNC checks to get my radio confidence up, which went with no problems.

Was only a brief 4 hour shift, nothing bad happened, I still had all my limbs, my head was still attached, the only difference is that I was eager to get back out again. All those nervous feelings had gone.

Whatever happened to that worried, quiet me all that time ago??

Im interested to hear about your first shifts!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Cancel The Last

Sorted myself a new title thing! What do you think?

Help Needed

If anyone could help me it would be appreciated very much!
I want to make my own title picture for this blog (instead of green road thing) but dont have a clue how to change it. Any help would be fantastic!


Sunday, October 22, 2006


Have a look at this blog here. Its one disgruntled residents fight and moans about anti-social behaviour. Some of this sounds all too familier with Scroatsville. Bits I agree with the author, other bits I disagree - none the less very interesting to read and maybe even perhaps attitude changing!

Have had a hectic weekend which I shall write about soon

Saturday, October 21, 2006

The Town Centre

Due to the need of some to go into town to get absolutely pissed means that we need officers in the town centre so that we can offer our assistance in pointing out where clubs/bars are, and also to help all those people who are "wanting to join the police" with their questions, and also to give people free lifts home.

In Scroatsville, we have a "no shit" policy. Obviously this is not an official policy (for the term no shit if far to short, and if it were a real policy, the name would be some what different, and totally unrelated to what it is about!)

Each officer goes out armed with a pad full of £80 PND's hoping to return back to the station in the knowledge that, well, there will be some regrets in the morning by happy customers!

The two favourites for PND's are:

1) Section 5 Public Order
2) Drunk and Disorderly

I personally prefer number 2 as it means that no crimes have to be booked on, however it does have a downside in that its not a detection (as far as I am aware!)
But on the bright side it takes a couple of minutes on the street to give one, thus meaning more time to give plenty more out in the hope it will deter other idiots who ay be witness to this.

Drunks seem to lose all common sense. One bloke came up to myself, and three other officers and wanted to shake out hands. We didnt. He got told nicely to go away as he was drunk and making a fool of himself. This wasnt good enough. He carried on being a fool and not listening and taking an issue with the skipper. He then went on to insult one of the officers mothers. Enough is enough. Start to write out a D&D ticket for him but no, he doesnt want this as he "knows his rights". Fair enough - your nicked. After him being humiliated waiting at the side of the road in handcuffs for all to see whilst a van made its way through the see of drunk idiots. We got him back to custody and begin to book him in. He now decides he wants to sue us all for "APH" whatever that is. Yes mate, ok, have a nice sleep, I will come see you later when I get time!
I did go back early hours of the morning, gave him his PND and kicked him out. Oh, and he still wanted to sue everyone for "everything we have got!"

Prime example of drink causing him to be a fool. He could have walked away with nothing - but no! He then could have walked away with an £80 PND - but no! So he got locked up for 5 hours whilst he sobered up, and an £80 fine. Yes your mrs will kill you when you get home!

Friday and Saturday nights differ from every other night in the week, for on these nights, people are totally "innocent". Since its the end of the week, we like to catch up on our missed detections so arrest anyone for anything in the hope that they are too drunk to realise. However, they are far to clever for this tactic so when we arrest them for "doin nuffink rong" they plead their innocence. "I didnt mean to smash that bottle on the wall and glass him 6 times accidently on purpose". If Scroatsville got a pound for each time someone stated that they were innocent, they wouldnt have to worry about their finances!

Another town centre idiotic thing to do is run from the police. Everywhere in the centre is on cctv, there are loads of police about, why run. Apparently they like to though, and last night, straight into me on two seperate incidents. Bit silly of them! One only ran because he thought we wanted to arrest him for doing nothing wrong. Fair enough, if you want to end up on the floor with 4 coppers sat on you fair enough. The other had just assaulted someone so that was a good catch.

Another Friday/Saturday night thing is that people always seem to come up to the van and want to talk utter shite. Either want to chat you up, or ask why your not out catching rapists and murderers, or even worse, realise that they have no prospect of pulling so desperatly try to entice you as they pop out of their top with kebab sauce dripping down their face. Apparently this look is very sexy.
Dont you just love the town centre!
What other Friday/Saturday night stuff happens where you police?

Friday, October 20, 2006

For The Criminals . . .

Thinking of attacking the police? Think again

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Another Special

Ladies and gents, cops and robbers,

May I introduce a new Special's blog

Part Time Police Man

Please do take the time to investigate and see what you think!

Am doing a shift tomorrow night in . . . . . the "town centre" so hopefully be some fights, pava, and no arrests! Although I shall ofcourse try to get a few sanctioned detections using the brilliant tool that is a PND!

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Police Dogs Muzzled

Hoorah!! Whilst reading things online this story struck me. Its about time Policy Makers had some common sense and put such a policy in place. After all, we dont want forces to have to pay out hundreds of thousands to innocent people who just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and dont hear the numerous warnings of dogs barking and who fail to think what might happen if the dog is released.

Seriously, what planet do these people live on? Its like spraying people with water instead of pava, incase it burns their eyes causing them to spontaniously combust on exposure.

Surely the point of a police dog is another level in the conflict resolution model. Whereas people may not be to concerned with getting sprayed, or even hit with a baton, they dont particularly want a dog pouncing on them. Surely by putting a muzzle on the dog its, well, giving the criminals something less to fear.

Sadly, I am not a dog handler so cant say when they would be released onto a suspect, but I strongly suspect its not used for ordinary law abiding people, and more for people who are/will be violent etc. So where is the problem? If the person being bitten has done wrong, then tough, you cant sue. Perhaps you shouldnt have been doing what you were doing to gain such response from a police dog.

Yet another example of people in their 9-5 job making up policies for highly trained frontline officers who undertake extensive training for the unique role.

What are your opinions of this be it in support of this (as you are a criminal and have been bitten) or against it, as you have common sense?

(dont forget the post below which I only posted a few hours ago! Oh you lucky people getting two blogs in a space of a few hours!)

End of the Shift

0400 hours on way back to the office after 10 hour shift. Nearly there when coming towards you stopped on a roundabout is a car. There is no other traffic and no reason why this car would be stopped.

Pull a U-Turn and decide to pull the vehicle over for a moving traffic offense.
Matey Boy (Alfie) gets out his car and realises he has a flat tyre.

Ahhh so this might be why he has stopped. Mysef and my collegue then give him a hand to get the stuff out of his car to change the tyre as he doesnt seem to know what he is doing. Still something quite not right. Inside the car smelt a bit, but I blamed the friend of Alfie who was totally pissed, and looked unshowered! Still something not right.

I then requested Alfie to provide a breath test and asked him if he had had anything to drink
He replied no (whilst attempting to change the wheel, yet not having a clue!)

Me: Blow in this
Alfie: No
Me: Blow in this, faliure to do so is an offence for which I will arrest you for
Alfie: But I dont want to blow, I have had a drink so will be over the limit
Me: You might not though, so just blow, what have you got to lose?
Alfie: But I am over the limit though
Me: Fair enough, your nicked

*apply cuffs*

So we stuck him in our car when he decides to kick off. Nice.
Van called, the sergeant gets out, grabs Alfie and chucks him into the cage with a smile on his face. I can only assume it was the smile of "not long until I can go home!!"

Since his mate is stranded out of town we offer to take him to the nick where he can get a bus. He seemed pleasant about this so we take him.
Out the back of the nick he decides once he is out the car he wants to see his mate. He then trys to get back into the car but is shown the way to the bus station and we go in the back gate of the nick.

In custody the fool decides that he doesnt want to blow on the machine (he is very likely to be under the limit now) and after the sergeant and a PC try to convince him, he still refuses.

Fine, whatever. He is then charged with failure to provide and we take him back to his car to pick up some possessions from it (we keep the keys and hand them into front office for him to pick up in morning)

Now its daylight we manage to piece together what has actually happened. His alloy wheel is totally smashed, and airbags in the sides of his car have gone off. There is also a huge dent in the kerb before the roundabout.

Thank god it wasnt a car he went into!!

Anyway, got court date coming soon, obviously he doesnt seem to think he is guilty of failing to provide . . . . how that one works I dont know!!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Two Tier Policing?

The topic of PCSO's is a controversial topic with many good reasons and many bad ones in regards their introduction. There is currently a huge drive to recruit PCSO's in many forces: The Met, Lancashire, BTP, and well, even Scroatsville Police Force! So much emphasis is on recruitment at the moment for PCSO's that in Scroatsville, specials intakes have been put on hold, and regulars intakes have been cut down to only a few a year, and even then not that many on each one.

Is this the answer to crime? Is this the governments solution to problems - by putting "officers" (note: not police officers) onto the streets.

One news story even says that PCSO's are not effective! However it does go on to say that residents of communitys feel safer by their presence. Well, at least that is something then!
(Granted, having a few is a good idea, I know a couple who do a great job, but also know some who are useless!)
So, what can PCSO's do?

PCSOs do not have powers of arrest, cannot interview or process prisoners, cannot investigate crime and do not carry out the more complex and high-risk tasks that police officers perform.

PCSOs spend much of their time on foot patrol, and are a visible, anti-crime presence in communities throughout England and Wales. Because they are so visible, members of the public feel comfortable approaching them with questions or worries about anti-social behaviour or crime.

In Scroatsville, they get paid up to £22,000 per year.

The latest government craze is "neighbourhood policing" and in Scroatsville, we are also adopting these (well, we have to!)

Each team consists of 1 Sergeant, 2/3 PC's, 4/6 Specials, and about 4/6 PCSO's. (Lots of debate about specials joining these teams in Scroatsville at the moment - but will save that for another time!)

So, here it is, my masterplan to avoid a two tier police system which many believes will happen.

1) Get rid of PCSO's
2) Use that money to get regular police officers
Ah, but what about the community based aspect?? I hear you cry!!

Simple solution, which is absolutely brilliant!

Have dedicated "Community Beat Officers". Several per area and they are dedicated to that area! Brilliant idea!

Oh hang on, we have this now.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Care Kids

Touchy topic this one. Firstly, not all kids who are in care are bad, however, I will be talking about the bad apples here.

In Scroatsville, there is a childrens home which when its name comes up on air, you can hear the groans of officers as you instantly know the job is going to be a heap of shit. Nine times out of ten its to take details of a missing person. Now, when you think of the words missing child, it is often met with worry and anguish from concerned parents. However, in this situation it is met with people who run these homes sighing as they have to report the person missing for the 8th time this month.

This means that the police have to turn up and take misper details of this person yet again. You start to know the names of the regulars at this place. So once you have gone through numerous forms (nicely put into one booklet now for ease!)
Once all these have been done you have to go to the mispers room to do a search.
1) to see if they are hiding there (we know that they are not and know that they will be at a friends/parents like they always do)
2) to look for "clues" as to where they will be. No we dont use a magnifying glass. Well, I dont.

After getting abuse from the other kids, we put observations out for them and go look for them, and usually find them and give them a free lift home, thus wasting hours of police time.


This has already been discussed on various other blogs. I recently went to a foster home (not the same as before but a private house this time) and the language that the kids were using as was the foster mother was awful!! Yes I hear this all the time, but surely (dont laugh now. . . .) someone with responsibility should not be encouraging this behave like this!

Now I realise I am talking crap as this sort of thinking does not occur in Scroatsville. Its the norm for bad parenting/youths being disrespectful. Perhaps whats needed is some sort of test in order to procreate.
What would you put on such a test to determine whether or not someone should be a parent?? Results will be posted soon

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Police Cuts

It seems that Northamptonshire Police and Leicestershire Police are both having to "cut" the numbers of police officers to save up to £6 million each!
The reasons we are given for this is that the government has not given the police forces, errr, services, enough money.

This leads me to think of a few things.

1) Force Mergers - how much money did the Government cause police forces to waste on these failed mergers? Surely (no, make that definitly!) this money could have been used for the shortfall in police funding!

2) PCSOs - Why is it that forces are recruiting a small army of PCSO's. Fair enough, the government is giving more money to forces for doing this, but a line needs to be drawn between their usefullness and overkill (rant to come soon!). Surely if we recruited half the amount of PCSO's then some of the police funding shortfall could be paid for? No??

As Tesco say - every litte helps!

Sunday, October 08, 2006


Firstly my apologies. I upgraded to Blogger Beta and it seems to have done a few things such as problems leaving comments and links. If you do experience a problem please leave a comment/email me then I can rectify it!

Thanks for bearing with me! I will update very shortly with a fun exciting . . . . sorry, fell asleep!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Excerpts from the Cynical Side

I have discovered a new cop blog!

Its called Excerpts from the Cynical Side and with any luck will fill in the gaps of all the blogs which seem to be dissapearing lately!

Also apologies for the change of template etc! I am trying a few things out! Let me know how you feel about the changes though!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Badge Flashers

I attended a public order incident a while back in town one night with a load of other officers. It was not clear what had gone on but there had been some sort of fight. Whilst talking to someone I got interupted by some young lad who insisted he spoke to me. I asked him politely to wait one second. He then said "no, I need to talk now" and produced his Metropolitan Police warrant card. Why??

I asked him what his point was by showing me it. He went on to demand that something be done. We had no complainants, and no witnesses it seemed. However, this wasnt good enough for this officer. He wanted people arrested as it was his mate who got hit. He didnt see it happen though but demanded people got arrested.

"We cant do that sir"
"Why not? You should, you have to"
A very experienced regular officer twice this lads age got wound up by his attitude. "We are not going to do that unless someone makes a complaint and identifys an offender"

Matey boy from the met started to then slag off my police force stating "Your idiots, your doing it all wrong, you should be doing it like......................."

I dont know what happened with him as I got fed up with his attitude and there were far more pressing issues at hand.

I was discussing with someone what would they do if they had pulled over a driver for an offence such as no seatbelt or talking on phone, and if the driver "flashed their badge" to get away with it.
Does seem an interesting issue. I am not sure what I would do but hell, I would never dream of doing such a thing - but have heard storys of officers (regular officers) doing this. I reckon if a special were to do this then the officer they do this to would more than likely report them!

So - there are a few types of badge flashers. Those who seek to impose their "authority" upon others (such as Mr Met) and those who think its a get away with a fine clause.

Has anyone come across any of these and what did you/they do about it?

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Mayor

I recently ran into the Mayor of Scroatsville! No, not the real one, but some chav girl with gold that Mr T would be proud of! She was about 17 years old, two kids in tow in a popular high street clothing shop.

One of the kids wasnt walking enough so what happened?

Normal Person: "come on William, we are going to get you some nice clothes!"

Lady Chav: "For fuck sake Gary, get a fucking move on, I got to get myself some clothes for later you inconsiderate little shit"

This approach from Lady Chav causes the kid to start crying. For the sake of this, we will talk about what happens if both Lady Chav, and normal persons kids are crying.

Normal Person: "Oh dont cry William, we will be going home soon once we have got your clothes" *kid stops crying*

Lady Chav: "For fuck sake your pissing me off now *smacks child* oh stop bloody crying *forces child to sit up very harshly* fine then you little shit, cry, you wont get a Mc Donalds now" *kid carries on crying even more*

Two totally different approaches. This 17/18 year old girl clearly has no concept of being a mother (sadly we can not tell people that).
Sometimes we wonder why kids thesedays are little shits who dont care about anything - with mothers like this its no suprise really is it.

What makes it even more sad is the fact that there are decent people in this country whoc try for babys and dont have sucess/sadly lose them, yet there are people like "Lady Chav" who drop them every 9 months.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

You Idiot

"Your under arrest for being an idiot"

Not something you hear everyday!
So its just before shift changeover and there is a problem at a local pub. There are people inside who are very drunk and refusing to leave. All free officers from lates and all the night officers turn up just incase something happens. Luckily we have a mans best friend also on the scene - a very very angry (and hungry!) looking dog!

The dog works wonders, makes people leave. Job done!
Or is it?

One bloke deciding to be the brave "I know my rights" type (also drunk) decides to come back across the road and challenge some boring crap which nobody gave a shit about. He got asked nicely to leave by "Rob" (not real name obviously!). He got in mine and Robs face, so I push him back and he is still going on. At this point Rob has had just about enough of him so grabs him and throws him against the van (as he is becoming a bit violent). Myself and Fiona (not real name again!) hold the idiot against the van whilst Rob sprays him.

Fiona gets some of the spray on her and whines about it for the rest of the night, even more so when I take the piss as she got some more in her eyes from her hands several more times during the night!!

The idiot is then grounded to the floor and several officers bundle on him to put the cuffs on him.

Very serious moment this is as he is kicking off a bit, when all of a sudden, Rob kneels down and says "Right mate, your under arrest for being an idiot". This causes most of the officers to laugh and lightens the moment. The idiot is then tossed in the back of the van after putting up some resistance. Bye bye matey boy!

Apparently, according to Rob, being an Idiot now comes under the public order act whch is fantastic. Should be used much much more, that way, we are far more likely to get sanctioned detections as most of the population of Scroatsville are idiots!

(Just like to add that the offender was properly arrested for an actual offence and cautioned!)

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Uh Oh!

Yet another police blog is under scrutiny from PSD. How many blogs have dissapeared since I started a few months back?? I get the feeling that I could be one of the next ones. Why is it Brunstrom (The Chief of North Wales) is allowed a blog on the internet, yet everyone else is not? I do wonder if I came out as saying I was from this force whether PSD would shut down my blog or not based on the grounds that my boss does?

One for you to all ponder

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Scroatsville vs Greatsville

Any town will have a nice part, and a shit part. My town is 99% shit! (ok, its not really that bad!)

5 Things that tell you your in Scroatsville:

The Smell
- The Most obvious one- there is a distinct smell in the air. Maybe its just from the local takeaway shop? Maybe its the locals who dont know what a shower is?

The Houses - They are in a poor state, usually (Thanks Midlands PC for the suggestion!) a sofa, or fridge in the front garden leaning up against their old Ford Escort, if they have a driveway, which is rare, its usually a jungle of weeds which David Attenborough could film a documentory on.

The Locals - They all seem to wear baseball caps and have big ears. They have odd names such as "Big D" or "Snoop Cat" or other such strange names. They also have a limited vocabulary.

Your Collegue - You have one. Its not often your double crewed (the bosses like to have single crewed cars so it looks like there are more officers about!) However, in Scroatsville, you dont go in on your own!

and lastly

The Brick - This is an object which usually ends up through one of your car windows, usually the side one as it requires minimal effort. Occasionally you may even get your tyres slashed.

5 Things that tell you your in Greatsville:

The Smell - There isnt one. If there is, its pleasant. Its an outdoors smell! A Nice smell!

The Houses - They are immaculate. No G reg old Ford outside here! If there is, its usually the cleaners! Usually Range Rover, BMW X5s etc that sort of vehicle is parked on the driveway, that is before its put into its garage for the night!

The Locals - They smile at you, but on the same note are also curious as to your presence. What has happened? Someone must have been hurt, or being harrassed. Criminals dont live here so its not going to be a raid or anything! Ofcourse, many of the locals are away during the day doing something called "work", a concept not accepted in Scroatesville!

Your Collegue - Your collegue has come to "back you up" at the intruder alarm for no other reason to have a nose at peoples houses and inside as they "check for intruders" (Who else has been in this situation then!!)

Jelousy - You get jelous and think to yourself "when will I get to live here"

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

What George and Tony....

....Dont want you to see!

Never realised they got on quite so well!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

An Idiots Guide To ...

Making the most of England! This will be a controversial post!

Step One: Dont have a job. Having a job means that you might have to get up early and actually do stuff which you may not want to do. It also means that you cant just get drunk and have to abide by someone elses rules.

Step Two: If you are female, get pregnant. This will open up a whole range of new options not available to you before, nor available to blokes. This will be discussed later.

Step Three: Accidently slip on purpose somewhere. This will enable you to get compensation so you can go on that holiday to Magaluf.

Once Steps One and Two (Step Three is optional) have been completed, you can now advance to the next level. You already have the NHS there to look after you so take full advantage of that.

If your pregnant and dont have a job, go to the council and demand a flat, or even a house depending on how many kids you want. With this done, you can now also claim even more in child support benefits, so the more kids - the more benefits! Simple! If your able to remember who the father is of the child (which one??) then he will have to pay some money in child support too. The only problem you might face is after all, you eat a can of beans but you never know which one made you fart.

So now you have a nice flat, several kids (named after football clubs or whatever the trend is now) you can now use all these government benefits to purchase things such as huge TV's, Sky + and loads of other stuff which most working people do not have.

The amount of council houses I have been in where nobody has a job, yet they have brand new equipment, DVD's etc etc is unbelievable. So take full advantage!

If you cant be bothered to go through all these steps, simply commit a criminal offence which will send you to prison - things seem to be alright there these days! Roof over your head, rent free I might add! TV, games, everything you need really! Ofcourse the government pays for this too!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Sacked For Chasing Criminals

So, soon you can get sacked for chasing criminals according to the Daily Mail. The reason for this?? You have guessed it! Health and Safety! Apparently chasing suspects across railway lines and roads might lead to an injury - not of the officer but the criminal. Is this yet another right on the "criminals charter"?

This is pretty much related to my hypothesis a while back! So you dont chase, you get critisised for missing out on that great thing that is a sanctioned detection, but if you chase then you can get sacked!

Quite what the home office thinks a police foot chase is like I dont know. Perhaps they think it is like this. If only it were, would definitly make a chase more fun, and also mean that you wont have to go to the gym so often.

I did hear that in the pipeline for other future "health and safety" things being brought in include:

*having a case files "staple" protruding more than 1 mm from the paper, thus likely to result in an injury
*using pens incase officers accidently swallow the lid, or even worse, an offender grabbing a pen off you and attempting to swallow the lid
*batons are to have lights on the end of them to warn people where the end of it is, just incase of an injury.

Dont we just love the home office!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Parking Ticket PC

Have a read of this story.

As much as traffic wardens are a pain in the arse (well, ok, not all of them are like a *insert huge american bird name here* to a corpse) how many of you would do this?

I have had a parking ticket but wouldnt dream of doing this! None the less, this PC obviously wasnt too happy with getting a ticket!

I am surprised this story was not turned into an anti police story saying how it was happening across the country as institutionalized grievance against traffic wardens!

What do you think then? Would you do the same? Or would you just fork out the money and not make an ass of yourself?

Sergeant Says

New blog for you to all read!

Sergeant Says!

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Rank Structure

In the Specials there is a "rank structure". I use the term rank in the loosest of terms as it is more of an administrative term given to a special.
Some forces have given their specials the following...

Special Constable
Section Officer
Division/Area Officer
Chief Officer

(obviously terms alter from force to force)

Some forces have adopted the following one:

Special Constable
Special Sergeant
Special Inspector
Special Chief Officer.

Now my force is using the second one.
But what do these "Specials Sergeants" actually do? Do they really have any authority.
I pity and fear the day where some big headed power crazed specials sergeant attempts to give orders to a regular officer on the pretence that they are "superior" in some way. Luckily it wont happen in Scroatsville!
Having attempted to find out what some "Specials Sergeants" actually do and how easy it is to to get the role, I thought I would apply and find out what feedback I would get and information on the role.

So there is no test of any kind - so unlike a regular sergeant, you do not gain this title through any skills/test you have passed.
Your application goes to senior specials (so Specials inspector and chief officer). Therefore, arselicking your line manager will get you a promotion just like as a regular - so 1-1 to each side.

As a specials sergeant, you can expect no increase of allowences of any sort - shame really for the extra effort they put in! One point to regular supervision.

As a regular sergeant, you can avoid paperwork by getting someone on your team to do it (not that they would do that!) However, as a special, you will be told to "piss off" and "learn to do it" which isnt all that good!

So final score is Specials Supervision 1, Regular supervision 3 (I think)

Finally - this post is not a moan about specials as the specials sergeants I know do a fantastic job and take on the extra work load very well.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Ding Dong

Recently it seems that Lennie Briscoe has vanished! Does anyone know where he is? Perhaps he has had a big red key to his house door closely followed by men in suits from PSD?
All you consipracy theorists, feel free to let me know your theorys true or false of his whereabouts as I quite miss his blog!

On another note I am going to try and update my blog more often in a vain attempt to get more readers, or just to keep interest going before like many blogs - it dissapears!

As always, if anyone has any ideas for me to write about, questions about being a special, or anything else just post a comment or email me at

Sunday, September 03, 2006


Thanks or Apologies to PC Bloggs who has inspired/caused me to think about a hypothesis.

Its called "Damned if we do, Damned if we Dont".

There are many examples of this, which I need not bother going into as im sure we all know what they are, but I shall make some hypothetical ones up to illustrate my point!

PC Smith is called to reports of a man acting supiciously possibly armed. PC Smith is an armed officer by the way. He tells the man to put the take his hands out of his pockets and place them on his head. He refuses after being told many times and having a gun pointed at him. He then pulls his hands out his pockets very fast towards PC Smith. PC Smith shoots the man. The man dies. The police get a slating for this "unprovoked killing"

Ok lets change the scenario a bit. Same thing happens but PC Smith does not shoot, and gets shot dead by the man who then kills some other people (yes over the top but hey). The police are slated for not doing anything to prevent this crazed man from going on a "killing spree".

Hence the damned if we do, damned if we dont theory.

Another example...

Johnny Scroate has stolen Mr LeMans car. Mr LeMans is a bit of an arrogant self obsessed bloke (not that this makes any difference). PC Jones spots Mr LeMans car driving, and gives chase. Johnny Scroate who cant drive such a powerful car ploughs it into Mrs Miggins and her twelve cats sat on her patio infront of her house. Her and her cats all get killed/injured. The police get a slating for causing Johnny Scroate to steal the car and drive like a fool and killing/injuring Mrs Miggins and her cats.

Alter the situation a bit, same as above but PC Smith see's the car, attepts to stop it but it doesnt stop. PC Smith decides to not pursue and goes to tell Mr LeMan that he has seen his car but didnt do anything due to the dangers/human rights issues of Johnny Scroate and the risk that he might injure himself, and we couldnt possibly have that.
The police get a slating for doing bugger all.

Once again another example of the damned if we do damned if we dont theory.

Let me know if you have any other theories along these lines!

Thursday, August 31, 2006


So you go away for a couple of weeks, sent up an out of office reply so that people know your away with a contact number/email to get to you if they need to.

Simple really isnt it!

Nope! Obviously there are the hundreds of emails about John Sproggins wanting to talk to an officer as they have an appointment but cant remember the officers name, or PC Gimpoid has "misplaced" their warrant card, or a box of laxatives was found in one of the cars, whos is it. Once these have been weeded out as not relevant/not interesting there are the ones from the case builders wanting more details about a case/pnb photocopy. Then there is the email saying "Its urgent, please get back asap" then another email saying "why have you not replied??"

Hello - im not here! Hence the out of office reply stating "I am not here until xxdatexx, if you require me please call me on my number which can be found here *link to intranet directory with details in* or email me at *link to intranet diary with details in* and I will get back to you straight away."

Now for those of you who are not familer with an out of office reply, when you email someone you get a reply stating that the recipient is not there and the above message comes up too.

Yet still I get bombarded with emails asking me to account for my lack of replies! Perhaps I should send postcards instead?

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


Apologies to readers of this blog, I have not been able to update lately due to certain things but dont worry - a new entry will appear in the next couple of days!


Tuesday, August 15, 2006

If You Were PM

I was recently talking to a friend about various things and catching up with them as I have not spoken to them for ages and we somehow got on the topic of what would be done if we ran the country and came up with a few brief ideas.

1) The NHS. Lets face it, its in a state! Fair enough I dont know much about it but perhaps by getting rid of all the managers and having people who have worked at the "bottom" (as in actually work on the floor and know whats going on) let these people become "managers" and run things as they know how it works! Get rid of targets etc and let hospitals do what they are there to do.

2) Foreign Policy. Why should we be more interested (as a PM) to whats going on hundreds of thousands of miles away than whats going on in this country. Two Words - George Bush. Lets face it, we are not going to get anything back from him. What was said in the film Love Actually? Something along the lines of "You can have what you want unless its something we dont want you to have?" Something like that - I think that sums it up pretty damn well. Oh and if we butt out of other countrys business then perhaps we wont be such a target for terrorists. Perhaps!

3) The Police Corporation. Why Corporation? Because that is what it seems to be now. Its all targets and targets and deadlines and paperwork. Its not a force or even a service anymore! Police officers are to be just that and not politicians, targets will be a thing of the past and not used in such a way to alter outcomes of cases in order to get a sanctioned detection when words of advice will simply do etc. Get rid of some restrictive stuff - make offenders feel like offenders and simply not customers, victims feel like justice has been done etc (although this is probably up to the courts!) This one could go on forever!

4) Attempt to redo the benefits system. Why should Lazy Liam get benefits simply because he cant (be arsed) to find a job?? Fair enough if you genuinly have a reason why you cant work but there has always got to be a job somewhere, yes it may be absolutely shit but to just claim that you cant find one and being lazy is no excuse. Especially when you go to these houses and they have TV's bigger than you and other such luxury items!

Some of these are not practical but are just a starting idea! So what things would you do if you were PM?

Sunday, August 13, 2006

What A Specials Documentary Would Be Like

Having been around on for a while you see various ridiculous questions come up time and time again which make you think "why oh why" or "oh my god, these people walk the streets"

There have been various topics on how come there are no documentarys on Specials. Well, its just as well that there isnt as it will probably be terrible!

All credit goes to Basil Fawlty of in this excellent thread here whichis absolutely hilarious and is why there shouldnt be one! A sense of humour is needed! Feel free to add your own scene!
Without further delay, here it is!




Narrator: "Special Constables are unpaid volunteers that serve in police forces across the UK. In this series, we follow Specials at stations in three different counties, to see what they do, how they do it, and why."


SC Jones (o/s): "I've been a Special for about 3 weeks now, and I very much enjoy it. I've done about 5 shifts, and have got the hang of it already!"

Narrator: "SC Jones is a Special Constable with AnyCounty Police Service, based at Anytown station"



SC Jones: "We get issued the same equipment as a regular, but I like to be fully prepared for anything I may come across on duty, so I took the liberty of supplementing the issued kit with some of my own."


SC Jones: "This, for example, is my SureAsHellFire 9TP 150v 100,000 LED 9mw torch, the size of a thimble and which nestles neatly onto the spare radio clip here on my body armour. We get issued Maglites but they're not bright enough and, well, I just like torches, 'cos they're metal and make things bright. Plus you can never have too many on you!"

"We don't get any places to put our necessary documents on our uniform, so I bought this A3 document holder, which clips onto my belt. I have all the essential paperwork kept in it, and am able to compile a full file from scratch whilst out on the street. I keep it in my car when I finish duty as well, in case I pull anyone over who is committing a traffic offence."

"This is my all-in-one wonder tool - it's got all the tools of a Swiss Army Knife, plus a laser pointer and seatbelt cutter. Some of my colleagues say I really don't need it and that they've gone some 20-30 years without ever having to need one, but you never know what you might face when you turn a corner."

"I have eleven pairs of boots, depending on the terrain I'll be patrolling on. I bring two at a time to the station and leave the rest in my car. Once I have about three months in, I'm going to apply to do the Advanced Driving Course so I can work with Traffic! Until then, I'm stuck on foot."

"I've also bought this utility vest as the duty belt isn't practical for the equipment I carry. Plus it kinda makes me look like a firearms officer, which is pretty cool! Right, I think that's everything, just need to go upstairs and do a little paperwork for a job I did whilst off-duty last week."



Narrator: "SC Jones is composing a file for an incident he was involved in off-duty"

SC Jones: "A few weeks back I was with my training intake on a night out, when I saw someone drop some litter on the floor, with scant regard for the negative effect it had on the environment or that it would cost the taxpayer for it to be cleaned up. I joined this job to make a difference, no matter how small, and having now got the really cool warrant card in a nice holder with a big shiny badge, this was my chance to make good in the world."

Interviewer: "So what did you do?"

SC Jones: "Well I approached the guy and said I was a police officer, that I was disgusted he would have the audacity to foul the pavement, and that if he didn't pick it up straight away he would be arrested. The guy looked at me and laughed, so I showed him the badge and said "There's the badge, there's the proof. Pick it up now or you're spending a night in the cells."

Interviewer: "Doesn't a police officer's power in the UK come from the warrant card, not the badge?"

SC Jones: "Does it? Oh. Must remember that for next time. Anyway, I told him he was under arrest and took him by the arm and led him to the side of the pavement. He looked quite bewildered, but then all criminals do. I phoned 999 and requested a van. A van turned up and two officers came out. I relayed the circs to them, very proud that I'd had my first ever arrest. They looked less than pleased. One spoke to my prisoner whilst the other took me to one side and said some nonsense about wasting tieing up vans and officer's time, disproportionality, cost of keeping the guy in a cell, prosecuting him etc. compared to the offence and suggested I should just leave it. I wasn't having this - it was MY arrest and MY prisoner, and I insisted that this violation of Her Majesty's laws should not go unchallenged. So the officer sighed, spoke to his colleague and they came back to me.

The other officer said he had the guy's details, and if I REALLY insisted on doing this then a summons would be far more appropriate. I could live with this, so the other officer dearrested the male as I had no idea how to do that as we'd not covered arresting people in training, and the officers advised me to ask my Specials Sergeant how to do a summons file. And *presses print* THERE she is! All set and ready to be sent to the CPS so that this blaggard can pay for his crimes."

Interviewer: "What's your take on off duty intervention?"

SC Jones: "At the end of the day, I swore an oath to uphold the law. I didn't swear an oath to uphold the law when I book myself on duty. Remember the old adage: A police officer is NEVER off-duty. If I see an injustice being committed, no matter where (except if I'm out of my force area or any neighbouring jurisdiction), no matter when, no matter what, then I, as a super-hero crime fighter, shall not hesitate to intervene to protect the good citizens of this city. One shouldn't let little things like risk to personal safety or not having any protective equipment or backup get in the way of doing your duty".

Interviewer: "Erm, ok. So what happens now?"

SC Jones: "I'm plopping this into the 'Admin Out' tray then finding a regular I can go on duty with


To be continued! Keep up to date on the documentary by looking at the thread here