I Would Never - Results!

CID	5%	6
Traffic	7%	8
Response	3%	3
Community Team	5%	6
Professional Standards	25%	27
Speed Camera Team	35%	38
Prisoner Interview Team	8%	9
At all	12%	13
110 votes total

So, Speed Camera Team was the most unpopular!? Why on earth is this??

Searching

Other's have done this already, but still, it does amaze me how people find this blog! The following are various words used in a search engine to find this blog:

• French Prison System
• Being threatened by a member of the public
• Stabbing at Tesco Express
• How to do Wheelspins in a car
• Confessions of Fireman Sam
• Kitchen Nightmares
• Chav Meter
• Spc Limit Tea
• What Makes People Lie
• Spc Saudi Arabia
• Sneaky Beaky
• How to get off with seat belt offence
• Dont See
• Speed Bumps Cause Accidents
• British Prisoners Freed
• Solongo
• Confessions of a Superhero Documentory
• Women in Prison - What Does Time Mean
• Police Shed Shot Available
• Can a door supervisor use aggressive force
• Special f***
  

Very strange!

Nobody Available

This has probably been posted already but hey!

George Phillips of Scroatsville was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no".
Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said , " Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, a dog handler, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Taking The Piss

Yahoo News Story

Police said on Friday they were hunting a man who stole a urinal from a pub toilet.

The suspect walked into the Royal Oak pub in Southampton, ordered half a pint of beer and then made several visits to the men's toilet.

There he carefully removed a white urinal from the wall, stuffed it into a rucksack and was captured on closed circuit television walking out with the bulging sack on his back.

"He made a very, very expert job of dismantling it from the wall and turning the water off. A very professional job," landlord Alan Dreja said in a video posted on the Southampton Daily Echo newspaper's Web site.

A police spokesman said the thief may have been a tradesman.

"One of the theories is the guy is some sort of cut-price plumber who is going round and stealing parts to order," he said.

The Future Of Policing?

Liberal Fluffy Policing??

8% Chav

Oh dear, I am 8% chav! Oh dear! How chav are you though??

For each "Yes" add 2.5%! (or there abouts!)

Have any friends or family members been pregnant under the age of 16?

Do you know the location of your local JD Sports store?

Do you own more trainers then normal shoes?

Have you ever bought / worn any of these labels? Hackett, Ben Sherman, Kappa, Nickelson?

Have you ever referred to your home as your 'Gaff' 'Drum' 'Yard' ?

Do you think David Beckham is a leading male style icon?

Have you ever bought Super Kings?

Do any of your friends or family own a Staffordshire Bull Terrier?

Have you ever had a fight with cab driver?

Have you ever worn hoop earrings?

Do you think Starbucks coffees are too expensive?

Have you ever thrown up in the street?

Have you ever vandalised a phone booth?

Have you ever referred to your friends as your 'crew' or your 'massive'

Do you know who Mike Skinner is?

Have you ever had a pay-as-you-go gas or electricity meter?

Have you ever lived above the fourth floor?

Do you use external Christmas decorations?

Did you think the Fast and Furious deserved an Oscar Nomination?

Have you ever visited a friend or family member in jail?

Do you know a drug dealer?

Are tinted windows cool?

Have you ever bought 'economy' brands at a supermarket?

Do you listen to Drum n Bass?

Have you ever purchased jewellery at Argos?

Have you ever been to Falaraki, Magaluf or Benidorm?

Have you ever had a full English Breakfast abroad?

Are any of your friends of family receiving benefits?

Have you ever tucked your trousers into your sock (except when riding a bike)?

Do you own a gold chain, sovereign ring or Burberry Cap?

Would you consider buying any of these cars? Vauxhal Corsa, Ford Fiesta, Impreza, Fiat Punto?

Do you ever wear a tracksuit when you have no intention of playing sport?

Have you ever been escorted from a shopping centre / pub?

Have you ever seen / been involved in a fight at a wedding?

Have you ever drank Lager before midday?

Would you consider a honeymoon in Tenerife?

Do you understand text abbreviations (ie, l8r - later, wiv - with, da - the, b4 - before)

Have you ever ordered ham, egg and chips at a restaurant?

Do you read Max Power, The Daily Star or the Sun?

Are fun fairs a regular part of your social calendar?

For those who are lazy and cant be bothered to add up, you can do the test here

Tagging

Oh dear, I have been "tagged". No, not a nice braclet around my ankle, but some sort of blog thing.

So, in the spirit of "why not"-ness, here are 10 things I would never do:

10. Go to "Magaluf"
9. Say "Yes Superintendant, that is a good idea!"
8. Think Politics is "cool"
7. Buy an Italian car (unless its a Ferrari or Lambo!)
6. Eat hospital food
5. Become obsessed with political correctness
4. Trust a Politician
3. Believe that a shift will end on time
2. Work with my specials sergeant
1. Vote Labour

Seems to be a common theme in mine!

Roadblock

Further to my Human Traffic Light post, now, are these people idiots or what??

Road blocks aren't for dumb drivers

Cheap Labour??

Recently having done a duty, I got a bit hungry on the way home so went into a local chippy. Armed with my £1.62, I wondered what I could get!

"How much for pitta bread and chips my good man?"
"£1.80"

I then look up at the menu.
"How much for pitta bread and small chips?"
"yes sir, thats small chips"

Ah right. So I look up again to which it says

PITTA BREAD - 30p
SMALL CHIPS - £1.20

"How is it £1.80 if small chips is £1.20 and pitta bread is 30p??"

"Oh sir, thats if you want the chips in the pitta bread"

You what?? I am paying you an extra 30p to stick some chips in a bit of bread?
Thats extortionate! Perhaps I used the same place as Another Constable??

Takes the piss.

Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

For those locked up in one of Scroatsville's Cells, they get a bed, and more important, a meal cooked by our gormet chef.

Breakfast

Full English - Rice Crispies or Corn Flakes With Milk
Continental - Rice Crispies or Corn Flakes Without Milk

*A sprinkle of sugar available for those with an exotic taste*

Lunch

Cold Buffet: Rice Crispies or Corn Flakes with or without Milk
Hot Selection: A variety of coloured slops flavoured to represent cuisine from around the world

Being The Boss

What would you do if you were the Chief for the day? (There we go PC Bloggs, put a photo of a female Chief rather than a male one as they are more understanding of peoples needs than a male one due to all that testosterone!)

Anyway, what would I do? (Stole the idea for this blog from PS.com)

I would be very tempted to change the uniform. There is nothing worse than having to run after some scroate with a shirt and tie on not to mention the other numerous kit.

Would also have stabvests which have a zip down the middle rather than having to put it over your head - it tends to ruin peoples hair - apparently.
One thing for sure would be have more cars available so officers dont have to hang around for ages waiting for the shift before to return with cars!

I cant speak for regular officers for a lot of stuff, so will do this from a specials point of view.

1) Offer a bounty to specials doing a certain amount of hours
2) Invest more in the training of specials - after all, once attested, they will (hopefully) work a hell of a lot of hours - for free!
3) Give specials more PSU training - this means that instead of having to piss off regular officers to come in on rest days to do it, can get specials who will drop everything to do it!
4) Training is ongoing. This includes doing paperwork and putting together files - even if they are basic files. This means that regular officers wont be pestered into completing specials paperwork whilst they bugger off home ontime

There are many other things I would want to do - sadly I cant think of any more!

Please do add your own!

Hoorah For the Met

One from the other night:

"Any unit available, we have had a call from an off duty Met officer. He has handcuffed himself to his partner and is unable to uncuff himself as he has lost his handcuff key, any officer available?"

Oh how we laughed. All I hope is that some officer took a camera to the job and this photo is now working its way around the met email system!

On another note, I have now added PC South West's blog to my side bar

Want to be a Doggie Man??