Blast From the Past

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

An Idiots Guide To ...

Making the most of England! This will be a controversial post!

Step One: Dont have a job. Having a job means that you might have to get up early and actually do stuff which you may not want to do. It also means that you cant just get drunk and have to abide by someone elses rules.

Step Two: If you are female, get pregnant. This will open up a whole range of new options not available to you before, nor available to blokes. This will be discussed later.

Step Three: Accidently slip on purpose somewhere. This will enable you to get compensation so you can go on that holiday to Magaluf.

Once Steps One and Two (Step Three is optional) have been completed, you can now advance to the next level. You already have the NHS there to look after you so take full advantage of that.

If your pregnant and dont have a job, go to the council and demand a flat, or even a house depending on how many kids you want. With this done, you can now also claim even more in child support benefits, so the more kids - the more benefits! Simple! If your able to remember who the father is of the child (which one??) then he will have to pay some money in child support too. The only problem you might face is after all, you eat a can of beans but you never know which one made you fart.

So now you have a nice flat, several kids (named after football clubs or whatever the trend is now) you can now use all these government benefits to purchase things such as huge TV's, Sky + and loads of other stuff which most working people do not have.

The amount of council houses I have been in where nobody has a job, yet they have brand new equipment, DVD's etc etc is unbelievable. So take full advantage!

If you cant be bothered to go through all these steps, simply commit a criminal offence which will send you to prison - things seem to be alright there these days! Roof over your head, rent free I might add! TV, games, everything you need really! Ofcourse the government pays for this too!

5 comments:

BluesAndTwos said...

Hi Extra Special.

I had a fab holiday cheers!

I've added you to my side bar, and found a few on yours I haven't checked out yet.

All the best.

Blues And Twos

Joe90 said...

Excellent post, absolutely spot on mate!!

Midlands PC said...

Strange how none of them seem to be able to afford a Dyson, or some cleaning spray...
Or proper food for their kids, other than Micro Chips...
Or car tax...
Or insurance...
Or an MOT...
Or the stamp to send your V5 away to register a new car in their own name and address...
Or wallpaper...
Or a lawnmower...
Or air freshener...
Or an intact cover for the electric/gas meters...
Or someone to take away that oh so fetching sofa that has been on the front garden for months...

I may have to work for my house and the contents, unlike the porch monkeys discussed above, but I'll settle for a smaller telly over chav status any day!

Anonymous said...

I was on incapacity benefit for a while since I was rather ill and it really is not enough to live or to die on, despite it being more than the normal rate.

I don't know what the people are up to you're talking about, but I didn't buy anything at all during this time, I just had about enough to pay for food, bills and a carer once in a while to clean up my 'pigsty' since I could not do a thing for myself, or the odd taxi so I could visit my GP's surgery and get to the hospital.

The people you're describing probably work on the side, which really is a policing problem for the DWP, but not the problem of benefits being available for those that really need them and have no other choice.

ExtraSpecialCopper said...

Anon - I totally understand where your coming from, and have a friend who is in a similar situation. Its people like you who deserve to get more than the baby droppers