Britain Britain Britain!

Is this the only country where if your a dangerous sick (as in perverted) criminal, you dont get sent to prison yet if you "hack" a Royals phone, you get sent to prison.

Now I know which one I would rather see locked up!!

In the words of Inspector G "You couldnt make it up"

Scroatsville

Observe the number of people who causually drive around the fighting and just ignore it. Can you blame them though?

Speed Bumps

This week, the local council decided to stick a load of speed bumps on the roads in my area. What an absolute pain. The first I realised of these bumps was when some muppet in a BMW X5 came racing around the corner over a bump scaring the life out of me.

Hang on, are they not supposed to slow people down rather than turn it into a race with Colin McRae

What is even more annoying is that its not even the type of seed bump in this picture which you can just drive straight over (with wheels each side of the bump - unless you are Johnny Scroate with his lowered Saxo), they are the ones which go right across the road. Each time I go over these bumps (bless the lowness of my standard car) it rubs the bottom of the car occasionally!

Looks like Scroatsville Borough Council will be getting a nice bill!

It will make life more interesting for pursuits though - all these bumps that Johnny Scroate in his nicked car can go bombing over (as he obviously doesnt care what damage he causes) whereas I dont think the force garage will be too happy having to replace shocks etc on cars so frequently!

The Secret Parking Attendant

We all remember the Secret Policeman, and more recently, Nina Hobson on Dispatchers.

All the hype, the papers going mad at all this and the abuse the police recieved, for, well, bugger all in the Dispatchers thing.

Well, what about this?

Parking attendants being blatently racist to peoples faces as well as out of the public eye.
Calling certain areas racist names (which I wont say on here)
Talking about giving tickets to people they dont like etc.
Now where is all the media hype over this?

Well?

Ah well, at least they will get a diversity course

(put off my post about door staff until later now due to my huge outrage at this lack of diversity training that the parking attendants recieved)

Roadblock

Further to my Human Traffic Light post, now, are these people idiots or what??

Road blocks aren't for dumb drivers

Cheap Labour??

Recently having done a duty, I got a bit hungry on the way home so went into a local chippy. Armed with my £1.62, I wondered what I could get!

"How much for pitta bread and chips my good man?"
"£1.80"

I then look up at the menu.
"How much for pitta bread and small chips?"
"yes sir, thats small chips"

Ah right. So I look up again to which it says

PITTA BREAD - 30p
SMALL CHIPS - £1.20

"How is it £1.80 if small chips is £1.20 and pitta bread is 30p??"

"Oh sir, thats if you want the chips in the pitta bread"

You what?? I am paying you an extra 30p to stick some chips in a bit of bread?
Thats extortionate! Perhaps I used the same place as Another Constable??

Takes the piss.

Anti-Social

Have a look at this blog here. Its one disgruntled residents fight and moans about anti-social behaviour. Some of this sounds all too familier with Scroatsville. Bits I agree with the author, other bits I disagree - none the less very interesting to read and maybe even perhaps attitude changing!

Have had a hectic weekend which I shall write about soon

What George and Tony....

....Dont want you to see!

Never realised they got on quite so well!

An Idiots Guide To ...

Making the most of England! This will be a controversial post!

Step One: Dont have a job. Having a job means that you might have to get up early and actually do stuff which you may not want to do. It also means that you cant just get drunk and have to abide by someone elses rules.

Step Two: If you are female, get pregnant. This will open up a whole range of new options not available to you before, nor available to blokes. This will be discussed later.

Step Three: Accidently slip on purpose somewhere. This will enable you to get compensation so you can go on that holiday to Magaluf.

Once Steps One and Two (Step Three is optional) have been completed, you can now advance to the next level. You already have the NHS there to look after you so take full advantage of that.

If your pregnant and dont have a job, go to the council and demand a flat, or even a house depending on how many kids you want. With this done, you can now also claim even more in child support benefits, so the more kids - the more benefits! Simple! If your able to remember who the father is of the child (which one??) then he will have to pay some money in child support too. The only problem you might face is after all, you eat a can of beans but you never know which one made you fart.

So now you have a nice flat, several kids (named after football clubs or whatever the trend is now) you can now use all these government benefits to purchase things such as huge TV's, Sky + and loads of other stuff which most working people do not have.

The amount of council houses I have been in where nobody has a job, yet they have brand new equipment, DVD's etc etc is unbelievable. So take full advantage!

If you cant be bothered to go through all these steps, simply commit a criminal offence which will send you to prison - things seem to be alright there these days! Roof over your head, rent free I might add! TV, games, everything you need really! Ofcourse the government pays for this too!

Apologies

Apologies to readers of this blog, I have not been able to update lately due to certain things but dont worry - a new entry will appear in the next couple of days!

Thanks

If You Were PM

I was recently talking to a friend about various things and catching up with them as I have not spoken to them for ages and we somehow got on the topic of what would be done if we ran the country and came up with a few brief ideas.

1) The NHS. Lets face it, its in a state! Fair enough I dont know much about it but perhaps by getting rid of all the managers and having people who have worked at the "bottom" (as in actually work on the floor and know whats going on) let these people become "managers" and run things as they know how it works! Get rid of targets etc and let hospitals do what they are there to do.

2) Foreign Policy. Why should we be more interested (as a PM) to whats going on hundreds of thousands of miles away than whats going on in this country. Two Words - George Bush. Lets face it, we are not going to get anything back from him. What was said in the film Love Actually? Something along the lines of "You can have what you want unless its something we dont want you to have?" Something like that - I think that sums it up pretty damn well. Oh and if we butt out of other countrys business then perhaps we wont be such a target for terrorists. Perhaps!

3) The Police Corporation. Why Corporation? Because that is what it seems to be now. Its all targets and targets and deadlines and paperwork. Its not a force or even a service anymore! Police officers are to be just that and not politicians, targets will be a thing of the past and not used in such a way to alter outcomes of cases in order to get a sanctioned detection when words of advice will simply do etc. Get rid of some restrictive stuff - make offenders feel like offenders and simply not customers, victims feel like justice has been done etc (although this is probably up to the courts!) This one could go on forever!

4) Attempt to redo the benefits system. Why should Lazy Liam get benefits simply because he cant (be arsed) to find a job?? Fair enough if you genuinly have a reason why you cant work but there has always got to be a job somewhere, yes it may be absolutely shit but to just claim that you cant find one and being lazy is no excuse. Especially when you go to these houses and they have TV's bigger than you and other such luxury items!

Some of these are not practical but are just a starting idea! So what things would you do if you were PM?

Fireman Sam's Prank

Ever thought what it would be like to get into a tumbledryer and turn it on?? Well this is exactly what a Greater Manchester Firefighter did!(note that I say fighter, not man as this is clearly not acceptable in todays PC society!)

The story can be found here

So now officials are investigating this. Right ok . . . this is obviously a priority! It seems that fun is not allowed, and is this really as dangerous as going into burining buildings? It was a bit of fun! Ah, but on the otherhand I suppose we cant have this sort of thing happening now can we. The public will be screaming that the fire service took so long as they were all playing with tumble dryers . . . . well, you never know!
I do wonder whether Professional Standards/equivalents have their sense of humour removed which is a shame!

Below is a list of equvalent things that one may find themselves doing in a police environment when in the same mindset with these firefighters:

*Kitting up in full PSU gear and hitting each other
*When a collegue falls asleep on the van near the end of the shift, park up and leave him (or her) in it - locked!
*Put on an inspectors jacket and trick naive probationers into making teas for the team
*Email the shift from someones PC whilst they are out the office declaring undying love for the inspector

Insert your own pranks/comedy moments here (ie. add a comment!)