Life Saving Device

So police officers in Dorset have been given defibrillators to save lives. A great idea, think of all those lives that can be saved.

Will be even more usefull in the future when we will all be given Tasers and start to "zap" random people for the hell of it. Liberty will be pleased, as tasers only kill people - apparently. At least we can now bring them back to life.

Speed Bumps

This week, the local council decided to stick a load of speed bumps on the roads in my area. What an absolute pain. The first I realised of these bumps was when some muppet in a BMW X5 came racing around the corner over a bump scaring the life out of me.

Hang on, are they not supposed to slow people down rather than turn it into a race with Colin McRae

What is even more annoying is that its not even the type of seed bump in this picture which you can just drive straight over (with wheels each side of the bump - unless you are Johnny Scroate with his lowered Saxo), they are the ones which go right across the road. Each time I go over these bumps (bless the lowness of my standard car) it rubs the bottom of the car occasionally!

Looks like Scroatsville Borough Council will be getting a nice bill!

It will make life more interesting for pursuits though - all these bumps that Johnny Scroate in his nicked car can go bombing over (as he obviously doesnt care what damage he causes) whereas I dont think the force garage will be too happy having to replace shocks etc on cars so frequently!

NYPD vs SPD

SPD being Scroatsville Police Department, (force, or service - whichever is this months buzzword!)

Talking to a friend who has recently been to New York, they were witness to an "incident". The type of thing where some sado would whip out their phone and video the "incident" due to "police brutality" which we all know "just happens, like, all the time, like, innit"

Anyway, there were some youths.

Scroatsville: Spotty, clad in burberry and hoodies. Bottle of White Lightning
New York:Spotty, probably the same sort of clothes. Bottle of coca cola.

Some officers went to talk to them:

Scroatsville: The youths run after shouting abuse
New York: The youths look scared

The officers question the youths as to why they are not in school

Scroatsville: (assuming they didnt run/were stopped from running) "Fu*k off pig, my mum doesnt give a shit what I do, im expelled anyway so leave me along fu*king pig"
New York: "Erm, erm, erm, erm"

The officers state that they are taking the youths to school.

Scroatsville: "I fu*king told ya, I dont do school, are you fu*king thick or summats" *walks off*
New York: "oh" *get in the car*

Hmmmm, slight difference - why is this I wonder??

Blog World

There are loads of links on my sidebar which you all probably read. I was thinking, wouldnt it be good to go out for a few shifts with some of my fellow bloggers in their areas!

PC Bloggs - Well, that would be great fun to see policing from a womans point of view. We could talk about handbags, diamonds, and shopping and perhaps do some police work! (please note, I do not know anything about handbags, diamonds or shopping!)

Semper Fi - His quick wit would be a great laugh and has a no sh*t outlook on life!

Inspector Gadget - Well, a boss who doesnt talk rubbish and likes to get stuck in? What more reasons are needed really??

Sergeant Says - Same reason as above to be honest. Oh, and because hes the sarge, we could pass the paperwork to others for their PDP!

Just a few, and to be honest I would happily spend a shift with anyone on my sidebar! (Just ran out of reasons to put so dont be offended!)

Who would you spend a shift or two with?

8% Chav

Oh dear, I am 8% chav! Oh dear! How chav are you though??

For each "Yes" add 2.5%! (or there abouts!)

Have any friends or family members been pregnant under the age of 16?

Do you know the location of your local JD Sports store?

Do you own more trainers then normal shoes?

Have you ever bought / worn any of these labels? Hackett, Ben Sherman, Kappa, Nickelson?

Have you ever referred to your home as your 'Gaff' 'Drum' 'Yard' ?

Do you think David Beckham is a leading male style icon?

Have you ever bought Super Kings?

Do any of your friends or family own a Staffordshire Bull Terrier?

Have you ever had a fight with cab driver?

Have you ever worn hoop earrings?

Do you think Starbucks coffees are too expensive?

Have you ever thrown up in the street?

Have you ever vandalised a phone booth?

Have you ever referred to your friends as your 'crew' or your 'massive'

Do you know who Mike Skinner is?

Have you ever had a pay-as-you-go gas or electricity meter?

Have you ever lived above the fourth floor?

Do you use external Christmas decorations?

Did you think the Fast and Furious deserved an Oscar Nomination?

Have you ever visited a friend or family member in jail?

Do you know a drug dealer?

Are tinted windows cool?

Have you ever bought 'economy' brands at a supermarket?

Do you listen to Drum n Bass?

Have you ever purchased jewellery at Argos?

Have you ever been to Falaraki, Magaluf or Benidorm?

Have you ever had a full English Breakfast abroad?

Are any of your friends of family receiving benefits?

Have you ever tucked your trousers into your sock (except when riding a bike)?

Do you own a gold chain, sovereign ring or Burberry Cap?

Would you consider buying any of these cars? Vauxhal Corsa, Ford Fiesta, Impreza, Fiat Punto?

Do you ever wear a tracksuit when you have no intention of playing sport?

Have you ever been escorted from a shopping centre / pub?

Have you ever seen / been involved in a fight at a wedding?

Have you ever drank Lager before midday?

Would you consider a honeymoon in Tenerife?

Do you understand text abbreviations (ie, l8r - later, wiv - with, da - the, b4 - before)

Have you ever ordered ham, egg and chips at a restaurant?

Do you read Max Power, The Daily Star or the Sun?

Are fun fairs a regular part of your social calendar?

For those who are lazy and cant be bothered to add up, you can do the test here

Tagging

Oh dear, I have been "tagged". No, not a nice braclet around my ankle, but some sort of blog thing.

So, in the spirit of "why not"-ness, here are 10 things I would never do:

10. Go to "Magaluf"
9. Say "Yes Superintendant, that is a good idea!"
8. Think Politics is "cool"
7. Buy an Italian car (unless its a Ferrari or Lambo!)
6. Eat hospital food
5. Become obsessed with political correctness
4. Trust a Politician
3. Believe that a shift will end on time
2. Work with my specials sergeant
1. Vote Labour

Seems to be a common theme in mine!

Blue Light Takeaway Run

Oh dear oh dear, yet another speeding police officer.

How terrible this is that he got caught for being hungry. Obviously this information is quite clearly made up and the officer was genuinly on his way to the RTC! Quite clearly, he was on his way to pick up the food and got diverted, but then cancelled, and a disgruntled member of the public, more than likely who has just been given points for speeding himself, saw the officer about to tuck into a delicious meal and was jelous so reported him.

Perhaps PC Akrill could take these steps next time:

1) Preorder Chinese as usual
2) Choose a good route to go to the chinese, possibly in an area that other officers will not be near.
3) Call up stating that "a member of the public has just reported an accident. As you are a dedicated officer, refs can wait until you have dealt with it, and no other units are required"
4) Speed to the incident, which just happens to be near the Chinese.
5) Discover that the MoP was lying, but in your rush to get to the incident to save lives, you didnt take down their details
6) Call up stating a speed camera activation
7) Go to the Chinese to pick up food
8) Call up control stating that there was no accident
9) Take Chinese back to station and enjoy

Obviously, if Indian is your preference, then this is an adequate substitute.

[/Tongue In Cheek]

Coke Problem

Apprently the UK has the "Worst Cocaine Problem in Europe"

Perhaps we should start to give cocaine out on the NHS too, or do people who want their next fix of cocaine not cause crime? Perhaps someone could enlighten me?

Recently we had a drugs awareness session. So here is a test for you all, which one of these is actually cocaine??

A)



B)



C)



D)



Answers on a postcard?

Oh, and just for fun, one reason why dogs shouldnt be given drugs:



Incidently, my post here has caused a few mixed feelings and a nice debate! Have a look here and here, its ok - they dont bite! (I got a nice warm welcome and am starting to learn more about their role! Definitly worth a look:) )

Return Of the Boy Bands

First it was Take That, then it was Semper Fi..........

Well, so has Special Copper!

One problem though - I have lost all the links on my side bar so please please leave a comment with your blog address so I can re-add you to my side bar!

Edit: Ok - the links have come back all of a sudden! Damn those pesky gremlins

Semper Fi Again!

Oh Yes! Guess who is back!

Semper Fi!

Bouncers

Or "Door Staff" as they prefer to be called. Tough subject full of many different opinions.

Firstly, there is the subject of whether or not they should carry handcuffs. Info can be found here, here, here and here.

But do they take the law into their own hands?

I went to an incident once which was "male unconscious behind Club Boloxio"

Ah, probably had a bit too much to drink. Find the male, he is totally out of it, and covered in blood.
"Hmmmmm" I think to myself, this is not right.
The head "Door Man" comes out and tells me whats happened

"Ah, well, matey boy here was ejected by Phil, and just collapsed"

The manager is in the background keeping quiet. The door man then goes inside, and up comes the manager. I then ask where Phil is.

"Oh, hes inside, the paramedics are looking at him"

So whats happened then, really, whats happened then I ask.

"Well, Phil ejected this male and he went back to the front where he was let in again. He came in again, picked up a glass and smashed it round Phil's face"

Then what?

Well, it was pretty obvious. Phil's face is sliced open, two of his fellow bounder mates decide to eject this male via the back exit after kicking him in. They gave him a proper kicking even when the bloke was on the floor collapsed.

How do we know this?
What should over look the back but flats. Who should be looking out their windows, but several independent witnesses!

Oh dear oh dear.

Now, what if this person had been handcuffed and unable to defend themselves?

However, on the flip side I have been to one incident where someone was kicked out and was playing up, and a bouncer handcuffed him with speedcuffs. First time I had seen this happen but he "reassured us that he had taken a course to do this". Sent an e-mail to the licensing team about it anyway.

Also like to add that I know some doorstaff very well and they are very professional and make the "bad apples" not matter - and I am more than happy to deal with these ones in particular! A credit to their profession. Its not often that I come across door staff (as im not one of these sado's who just do friday/sat nights in town centre - yawn!) but came across one the other night who was superb! Even been out on a night out and he has been nice lol

So should door staff be issues with handcuffs? Almost as controversial as should PCSO's have them!

The Secret Parking Attendant

We all remember the Secret Policeman, and more recently, Nina Hobson on Dispatchers.

All the hype, the papers going mad at all this and the abuse the police recieved, for, well, bugger all in the Dispatchers thing.

Well, what about this?

Parking attendants being blatently racist to peoples faces as well as out of the public eye.
Calling certain areas racist names (which I wont say on here)
Talking about giving tickets to people they dont like etc.
Now where is all the media hype over this?

Well?

Ah well, at least they will get a diversity course

(put off my post about door staff until later now due to my huge outrage at this lack of diversity training that the parking attendants recieved)

Sensible Policing

Introducing a new blogger . . . .

http://sensiblepolicing.blogspot.com

Roadblock

Further to my Human Traffic Light post, now, are these people idiots or what??

Road blocks aren't for dumb drivers

Basket Case

Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone no doubt about it

Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me
It all keeps adding up
I think I'm cracking up


(Basket Case - by Greenday)

So am I a Basket Case for doing this for free?

First off, I certainly didnt join to "give back to my community". If I was going to give back to the community I would be urinating in their garden and breaking into their cars, as this is what I have been given.

I have had poor assistance from the police before. Instead of moaning, I got convinved by a regular officer to join. Didnt have a clue what I was letting myself into.
So now, I am one extra person, one extra pair of hands in the grand place that is Scroatsville. May seem insignificant but for that person who rings us up to report gremlins in their house, at least thats one more body that might be able to deal with it.

Can you tell I ran out of ideas this week?

Interested to hear others reasons for joining

Black Sheep

Am I allowed to say black sheep?? Im sure one of the PC Crew will correct me with this weeks appropriate phrase!

Before I joined the specials, I had no clue what it was all about. Infact, I had never even heard of a Special Constable!

Then once I commenced training, I got the usual comments from people who had little idea:

But you cant arrest people!
So is it like a citizens arrest?
Do you get a gun?
Dont the regulars look down on you?

The last point was the one which worried me, how wrong I was though.

I have only ever had one "bad" experience with a regular officer. Well, two actually.

The first was when I was crewed up with a regular officer and we were looking for some, (MoP's, believe it or not!) Burgulars! We had the copperchopper up above and we were on foot searching a field. Another regular comes up and begins barking orders at me. He then notices my collar number (showing I am a special - have to look twice as we dont have the SC & Crown etc). On seeing this he stopped talking, turned to my regular collegue, and said exactly what he had said to me, to her.
We were both shocked at this.

"Oh ignore him, he is just a dinosoar"

Never seen him since though, nor have I let it get me down!

The second one wasnt really anything major, and more aimed at me being "lazy" than anything!

I started duty at 09:00 and I was sat in the office after having just booked in a prisoner, enjoying a cup of tea waiting for another officer to bring me some store CCTV to book in. Obviously there was nothing I could do at this point other than enjoy my cuppa! Took 2 hours to book in the prisoner (shockingly poor!) which brought me to 1700 (oh the joy)

In walks the inspector:

Insp "What are you doing?"
ESP "Huh?" (I thought it was pretty obvious to be honest)
Insp "Why are you sat about doing nothing?"
ESP "I am waiting for another officer to bring CCTV to me from the town centre"
Insp "Well I dont want you sat about doing nothing"
ESP "What should I do then??
Insp "Not sit around" *she then walked off*

A regular then made the comment of "Your lucky mate, she's not your inspector, wish I had Inspector ***** too!" (Probably Inspector Gadget! My Inspector, not the one in question!!)

Perhaps she just wanted me to juggle some MG forms - Moscow Circus meets Scroatsville Police type stuff. Who Knows!

As I have said several months back, I have loads of support from regular officers, and always give my time to assist them back in any way I can.

Crime Laws Key To PM's Last Year

The PM is at it again!

Shame we have heard this same thing for the past 9 years

Cheap Labour??

Recently having done a duty, I got a bit hungry on the way home so went into a local chippy. Armed with my £1.62, I wondered what I could get!

"How much for pitta bread and chips my good man?"
"£1.80"

I then look up at the menu.
"How much for pitta bread and small chips?"
"yes sir, thats small chips"

Ah right. So I look up again to which it says

PITTA BREAD - 30p
SMALL CHIPS - £1.20

"How is it £1.80 if small chips is £1.20 and pitta bread is 30p??"

"Oh sir, thats if you want the chips in the pitta bread"

You what?? I am paying you an extra 30p to stick some chips in a bit of bread?
Thats extortionate! Perhaps I used the same place as Another Constable??

Takes the piss.

Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares

For those locked up in one of Scroatsville's Cells, they get a bed, and more important, a meal cooked by our gormet chef.

Breakfast

Full English - Rice Crispies or Corn Flakes With Milk
Continental - Rice Crispies or Corn Flakes Without Milk

*A sprinkle of sugar available for those with an exotic taste*

Lunch

Cold Buffet: Rice Crispies or Corn Flakes with or without Milk
Hot Selection: A variety of coloured slops flavoured to represent cuisine from around the world

How Inconsiderate!

The youths of today are so inconsiderate. Stolen car, 4 up, had been giving us the runaround all night. Seeing as myself and a collegue were the nights proactive unit (plain IRV with all the lights and gizmo's). Traffic were hovering around the area as were some tutor constables and their probationers, and another plain clothes unit (myself and my collegue being plain clothes too) as was a doggie man.

After numerous sightings the adrenaline is going as we prepare for a possible pursuit, and ofcourse, a decamp. How gutted we all were when the inconsiderate little gits decide that they dont want a pursuit, so they drive the car into a field, and set fire to it. Out everyone gets and does an area search for them.

Apparently (bless them) the probationers hadnt a clue what to do, and before they knew it, two "chavs" came running up from the field, and nearly got pounced on and sprayed!
"Its us, dont spray!!!" It was the other plain clothes unit! So they nearly got a faceful of pava, just like one of the little gits did.
Ofcourse, they had done nothing wrong and we had "sprayed them for doin fuk all innit ya fukin nob'eads" which was followed by "i aint dun nuffink rong - you best have nicked the ova's"
Oops - a slight admission of some sort of guilt there!

Sadly, it wasnt a huge incident, which in many respects is good, but since it was the end of the shift and nothing had really happened was kind of a let down from the cat and mouse game earlier in the night trying to find them!

Outcome: several arrests, one suspect sprayed, one plain clothes officer nearly pounced on, one doggie on the loose with officers staying well out of its way as it was hungry, and a couple of probationers who looked absolutely lost!

On the bright side, I enjoyed a lovely doner kebab and no paperwork

Music To Police To

I have added to my sidebar a nice little thing, a bit like a radio, where you can listen to tunes! The ones selected (took absolutely ages as there was a minimum of 35 or something daft!) all have some relation to policing!

Any further suggestions let me know! Just press play and your away! Enjoy!

Being The Boss

What would you do if you were the Chief for the day? (There we go PC Bloggs, put a photo of a female Chief rather than a male one as they are more understanding of peoples needs than a male one due to all that testosterone!)

Anyway, what would I do? (Stole the idea for this blog from PS.com)

I would be very tempted to change the uniform. There is nothing worse than having to run after some scroate with a shirt and tie on not to mention the other numerous kit.

Would also have stabvests which have a zip down the middle rather than having to put it over your head - it tends to ruin peoples hair - apparently.
One thing for sure would be have more cars available so officers dont have to hang around for ages waiting for the shift before to return with cars!

I cant speak for regular officers for a lot of stuff, so will do this from a specials point of view.

1) Offer a bounty to specials doing a certain amount of hours
2) Invest more in the training of specials - after all, once attested, they will (hopefully) work a hell of a lot of hours - for free!
3) Give specials more PSU training - this means that instead of having to piss off regular officers to come in on rest days to do it, can get specials who will drop everything to do it!
4) Training is ongoing. This includes doing paperwork and putting together files - even if they are basic files. This means that regular officers wont be pestered into completing specials paperwork whilst they bugger off home ontime

There are many other things I would want to do - sadly I cant think of any more!

Please do add your own!

Hug A Hoodie

Or at least show some love!

I was on my way to the gym today, so had my hoodie on, t shirt underneath and my tracksuit bottoms on. Needless to say, I looked a proper chav.
Thought whilst on my way, I will stop off to do a quick bit of shopping as I will be too lazy to later.

In I go. The bloke giving out baskets looked at me as if I was going to nut him one, and I had to help myself to a basket.

I go up an aisle which is a little busy, and ask an old lady if I could get past please. Her reaction? She flinched and ran a mile!

When I got to the checkout the person infront of me decided to hold onto her bag tightly whilst keeping her eyes on me.

So people, next time you flinch, or feel threatened, do think about David Cameron and his "hoodie hugging" and "hoodie loving"

Crystal Ball

Talk about planning ahead. Just got myself a regular's application form. Not sure whether to bother filling it now or not to be honest. It wouldnt be until at least 2008 that I started!

Human Traffic Light

Had great fun doing traffic duty for a local fireworks display

So theres a right hand turning which is out of action (ie. CLOSED) and about 3 - 5 signs stating this. Also there are loads of cones, and even a nice little diagram of the road which shows the lane closed. However . . .

MoP: 'Scuse me mate, can I go down there?
Me: No, Can you read?
MoP: huh?
Me: Do you know what roadsigns mean?
MoP: huh?
Me: *points at numerous signs*
MoP: Oh, them, yeah, I thought I could get down there though
Me: Why?
MoP: 'Cos I need to get down there ya see.
Me: Really?
MoP: Yeah mate, so can I go down there?
Me: Erm, no
MoP: Why not? This is f**king ridiculous
Me: Because the road is closed, I have just told you that
MoP: But I need to get down there
Me: Oh right, ok, drive over there and ask him (another officer)

I am sure they ended up having the same chat with them.

Its not only the fact of people above which is a pain, its people who seem to drive blind. I dont think they can see a huge tennis ball coloured Michelin Man in the middle of the road giving them hand gestures to stop (not rude hand gestures!!) So I nearly ended up being a new layer of road surface several times.

The good side is that people were quite chatty on their way to the fireworks display which is a nice change from the usual abuse. Just a shame that there are a lot of Scroatsville residents who dont appear to be able to drive. Either that or they like to try and run coppers over.

Possibly the latter.

Little Gits

Well, I assume they are little anyway due to their amateurness. I have a shared drive with several other residents, and last night there were two cars parked outside, mine and a neighbours. These "amateurs" decided to break into a car out there. They attempted to smash the lock off (and half the door) with no luck so then tried to bend the door back, which was sucessful. They then decided that there was nothing of value in the car, but decided to try and take the airbag.

Freaks.

Luckily it was not my car (obviously not worthy of stealing nor was my cd collection!).

However, rest assured for my neighbour, Scroatsville Police will almost definitly (not) catch the offenders!

1) Scenes of Crime come out. Lift some prints. Probably the owners.
2) CCTV. There is none.
3) Witnesses. None. Even if there was it was pitch back and they would no doubt be wearing hoodies and speaking in an unknown language which is comprised of the words "innit" "sorted" and "yo mofo"
4) Statment Taken. This wont yield much in the way of hunting down the offenders as the formentioned reasons.
5) If enough of these happen then the local policing team may come up with an operation to catch offenders. If they are lucky then they might catch someone, might not be the same offender, infact, in Scroatsville, probably not.

Scroatsville Police are then slated for not being able to catch the offenders. Damn why can criminals not leave fingerprints and a nice trail of evidence.

Quickie

Just a quickie to mention that I have added PC Dogberry to my sidebar!

I have also added Hobby Bobby to my side bar. Can you guess its another special!?

Edit: Have also added another link too: Totally Un PC

The Parent Test

Further to my post here, I have thought out a test for women to undertake before they are permitted to have children.

1) What would you call your child?

2) Do you have a partner/in a long term relationship?

3) Do you work/does your partner work? Please note, some types of employment are not acceptable.

4) Which do you prefer, Argos or Tiffany?

5) You have won a free holiday, where will you take it?
a) New York
b) Magaluf

6) What is your idea of "education"
a) GCSE's, A-Levels and maybe even University
b) A shag behind the co-op and the Radio Times

7) You know the local bobby's name because . . .
a) You respect him as a community figure
b) He arrested you last week yet again

8) Drugs are . . .
a) Something to stop a headache after a long day at work
b) Not enough to satisfy me anymore

9) A good night out is . . .
a) Nice meal with my darling partner
b) Not complete without a fight

The rest I shall leave to you all