An Idiots Guide To ...

Making the most of England! This will be a controversial post!

Step One: Dont have a job. Having a job means that you might have to get up early and actually do stuff which you may not want to do. It also means that you cant just get drunk and have to abide by someone elses rules.

Step Two: If you are female, get pregnant. This will open up a whole range of new options not available to you before, nor available to blokes. This will be discussed later.

Step Three: Accidently slip on purpose somewhere. This will enable you to get compensation so you can go on that holiday to Magaluf.

Once Steps One and Two (Step Three is optional) have been completed, you can now advance to the next level. You already have the NHS there to look after you so take full advantage of that.

If your pregnant and dont have a job, go to the council and demand a flat, or even a house depending on how many kids you want. With this done, you can now also claim even more in child support benefits, so the more kids - the more benefits! Simple! If your able to remember who the father is of the child (which one??) then he will have to pay some money in child support too. The only problem you might face is after all, you eat a can of beans but you never know which one made you fart.

So now you have a nice flat, several kids (named after football clubs or whatever the trend is now) you can now use all these government benefits to purchase things such as huge TV's, Sky + and loads of other stuff which most working people do not have.

The amount of council houses I have been in where nobody has a job, yet they have brand new equipment, DVD's etc etc is unbelievable. So take full advantage!

If you cant be bothered to go through all these steps, simply commit a criminal offence which will send you to prison - things seem to be alright there these days! Roof over your head, rent free I might add! TV, games, everything you need really! Ofcourse the government pays for this too!